4 Jul 2012

An Excerpt From My Never-To-Be-Published Children's Book

"Good morning, Jen!" said The Old Friendly House.

"Good morning, House!" said Jen as she dressed to go to work.

"It sure was nice when your parents were here visiting," said The Old Friendly House.

"Yes, it sure was," said Jen.

"They replaced the filter in my air conditioning unit with a clean one!" said The Old Friendly House.

"They caulked up my windows and sealed my leaks!" said The Old Friendly House.

"They even cleaned up my yard!" said The Old Friendly House.

"Yes, wasn't that wonderful of them?" replied Jen.

"It sure was," said The Old Friendly House. "It was like an actual adult lived here."

"Heh," said Jen.

"But now they've left, haven't they?" asked The Old Friendly House.

"Yes," said Jen. "It's just you and me now."

"OH GOOD," said The Old and Suddenly Not-So-Friendly House.

And with that, The Old Friendly Asshole House let in a hoard of ants into the kitchen.

"Try to ignore these!" cackled The Old Asshole House.

"Ah, crap," said Jen.

But The Old Asshole House wasn't done yet.

"Come upstairs, Jen!" shrieked The Old Asshole House. "Come see what I'm doing now!"

So Jen walked up the stairs.

And opened the bathroom door.

And discovered her toilet was flooding all over the floor.

"BUAHAHAHAHAHAA!" hollered The Old Asshole House. "WELCOME TO HOME OWNERSHIP, MOTHERFUCKER!"

And Jen winced.

And the house laughed and laughed.

"Mommy and Daddy aren't here to take care of this for you, are they?" snarked The Old Asshole House. "Let's see you deal with this, big girl!"

So Jen stood there.

And stood there.

And then wandered off non-dealingly to blog about it.

"Oh for fuck's sake," sighed The Old Asshole House.

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I have no shame

Need words? I'm a Toronto-based freelance writer who injects great ones into blogs, websites, magazines, ads and more. So many services, one lovely Jen (with one 'n').

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