Peppermint Patty Is Not Amused

Yesterday I told Patrick that I was going to make something very special and rather traditional on account of American Thanksgiving. I assured him the meal would be not be from one of the vintage Thanksgiving recipes, so he was fairly pumped. Correction: VERY pumped.

He knew something weird was up when he arrived home and I was playing jazz music.

(This is only the tip of the iceberg of how funny and clever I think I am. It's sickening, really.)

Patrick enjoyed it, sort of.

Until ...

"Okay, Okay ... so what are we really having for dinner?" he said after indulging in my silliness for about a minute.

"This is it. I didn't make anything else," I said.

"Are you kidding me? This isn't a real meal."

"Patrick - be grateful. It's American Thanksgiving and I clearly slaved all day to make this," said Mrs. Laugh Riot.

I was too busy enjoying my shit-eating grin to take a picture of his reaction. He refused to "recreate" his expression, but this is pretty much exactly what he looked like:

And then, through the magic of MS Paint, I can show you what Peppermint Patrick did immediately after that:

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He's Lucky He's Cute

Maybe I just like to play with fire. I'm about to post something that falls under the headline of Cruel Wife Publicly Picks On Her Husband, despite the fact that Patrick is in possession of a very embarrassing, very cringe-worthy video clip starring moi. It isn't kinky. It isn't politically incorrect.

It's a video of me attempting to climb over a fence.

Like the sex tape we will never make, Patrick swears he will never show it to anyone but wants to keep it for his own private and personal amusement. I'm probably testing that promise with this blog entry, but I think this is funny and I'll risk almost anything to entertain you faceless strangers. And, wow, that is fucked up.

So here's the scoop: For some reason, Patrick either wasn't exposed to a wide variety of foods growing up or simply never paid attention to them until he met me. I've documented his picky eating habits quite a bit, but I haven't shared with you my other strange observation: he doesn't know what a lot of food even is.

I'm not talking trendy foodie snob stuff or ingredients from those "ethnic" aisles - I'm talking about what I presumed was everyday, regular food.

Can I give you some examples of things that I've put on grocery lists vs. the things he came home with? And no, none of these were things he accidentally picked up or misunderstood. These are things he really, really had never been exposed to, so he made his best guess. It gets progressively alarming as you scroll down.

I asked for:

I received:

I asked for:

I received:

I asked for:

I received:

I asked for:

I received:

And then this week, the pièce de résistance ...

I asked for:

I received:

Sometimes I wish we had hidden video in our home so you could see the progression of facial reactions I had when I pulled Milkbones out of the bag, but we don't, so you'll get the next best thing: one of my MS Paint re-enactments:

Edited to Add: I sort of knew he wouldn't know what lamb chops were, so when I put them on the list, I made a point of mentioning to him that they were the types that "looked like they were mostly bone." So - my bad? He later told me he thought I wanted "lamb chops" in case our friend Barry stopped by with his dog. But still. THAT'S what he thought lamb chops were.

I ...? I ...? I ... am now drinking.

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