Good Telly

I love reality TV, I'm a sucker for it. I especially like interesting and informative reality TV - something that hasn't really caught on in America (I'm not sure we can count Snooki's urinary tract infection story arc as a public service). However, in Britain, "edutainment" reality programs are far more popular and totally freaking amazing.

One of the inspirations for the 50s Housewife Experiment (and future experiments which I hope to share soon! I know I keep promising this stuff and not doing it ... but I swear, wheels are in motion! Motion!) was a delightful British reality show called The 1900 House, a program where a modern family moves into a Victorian home and lives the turn-of-the-century lifestyle. It is BANANAS GOOD and I was jealous that they had all the original, authentic stuff from the era to use in their social experiment. I, on the other hand, while doing the '50s thing, had to stare at my microwave and will myself with every bit of strength I had not to throw a pizza pop into it:


There have been similar spins of this program, like the Frontier House, Colonial House, Regency House Party, and Coal House At War - all of which are worth checking out and about a billion times more entertaining than any house featured on The Real World.

But as you can imagine, I was thrilled off my ass to discover another British reality show that took a similar approach to tackling eras, one week at a time, to see how the lifestyle impacted a modern couple. "The Supersizers Go ..." features the comedy duo of Sue Perkins and Giles Coren who live and, of great focus of the program - eat, like they did in different times in Britain. Each week they munch through a new era, including the '70s, the Edwardian age, and Medieval times (the period, not the hilarious castle and horse show-slash-restaurant). And .... the 1950s! Oh, it was good. Great. AMAZING. And I've just learned that these episodes are now appearing on The Cooking Channel in the States, and I must insist that you Americans with cable watch it. Like, right now. It's brilliant and will give you a taste of how good reality TV can be. The Situation and gang will never look lamer, something you probably didn't think was possible.

Because I'm so enthused, I've embedded the entire "The Supersizers Go ... Fifties" below for your viewing enjoyment. Let me know what you think of the show!

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Head Games

Are you someone who occasionally watches television that hasn't been Tivo'd and want to find an alternative to mindless eating when the commercials are on?

My new favourite game is to mentally replace the word "hair" with the word "penis" whenever a shampoo or dye ad is on the TV. I find it especially entertaining when the commercials talk about all of us girls being "tired of weak, limp hair" in which we need a shampoo that "coats the hair shaft from root to tip."

Just look at how much fun these new and old commercials become when you use the power of your dirty, childish brain:












You're welcome.

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Double Duty

Think I could leave these up as Christmas decorations? I bet I could find something in the Bible to justify it.

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A Colourful Post

As the title suggests, this blog post is going to filled with the most filthy, adolescent, trashy, pearl-clutching language ever...

Or just a picture of my motherfucking salad:

A super colourful salad! It's watermelon, cucumber, lime juice, fresh mint and just a sprinkle of pink salt to tie it all together. It's like summer in a bowl - and now, summer is in my stomach.

I have still been at this mostly vegan, mostly raw business. The result thus far? Eight fatty pounds down, son! It actually would have been more had I not given in to the siren's call of wine and cake and hamburger and chips at a recent event, but, whatev. Now and again, crap is good for the soul.

The aforementioned event was my friend Siobhan's daughter's 2nd birthday. And because I am AWESOME and because I am CHEAP crafty, I made Charlotte a gift of homemade playdoughs.

 But these aren't ordinary playdoughs! Not only did I use some rather uppity natural food dyes, I also scented each dough wad with the most wonderful food-grade aromatherapy oils ever. Living Libations makes some of the best smelling oils and beauty products as well as yummy raw chocolate so 'buzzworthy' it was mistaken for hash at the Toronto airport. The goodies are made by a hard-working hippie couple operating out of beautiful lake country Ontario, so I like the added bonus that it's localish.

Anyhoo - I made lavender, peppermint, lime, cinnamon, lemon, and tangerine playdoughs. This is really one of the rare moments that I wish you could take a whiff of my surroundings. You'd have a nosegasm.

Charlotte's reaction to them was great and she basically stuck her face in each container and snorted them like an adorable cokehead. I point that out not only to emphasize how amazeballs me and my gifts are, but when the opportunity arises to use the phrase "adorable cokehead", you take it.

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My Latest First World Outrage

The other day Patrick offhandedly mentioned to me that a new bakery had opened up just down the street from us. Unlike most of the things he says, this got my immediate attention.

You can pretty much bet that any time the word 'bakery' is mentioned in my presence, I'll stop what I'm doing and make this noise:

(Link)

"Yah, it's an Albertan or Saskatchewan bakery or something?" he said. "I think it was called Prairie Girl."

And that's when I nearly crapped myself.

Since moving to Toronto from Alberta over ten years ago (OMG! Ten years?), I have been missing the sweet, sweet edible love that is western baked goods. Matrimonial Cake, Peanut Butter Slice, Puffed Wheat Squares, Regular and Mint Nanaimo Bars, Alberta Honey Tarts, Lemon Poppyseed Cake - and the Grand Poobah of prairie treats: Saskatoon Berry Pie.

*Droooooool* Source: Saskatoonberry.com

Whenever I've described Saskatoon berries to people, I hear, "So, they're like blueberries?" No, goddamit, they are NOT like blueberries. They are heaven in the mouth. They are sweet orbs of love. They are a taste sensation that your little Ontario minds can't wrap around. And when you put Saskatoon berries in pie (or pierogies, tarts, cobbler, crisp, pancakes ... *slobber*), you create perfection. Pure, calorie-filled perfection.

Surely a place called Prairie Girl Bakery would carry this western staple and satisfy my fix. So, despite being in the midst of some editing work, I put on my underwear shoes, grabbed my purse and headed out.

If you read my blog regularly, you'll by now know that if I've gone into detail about something I'm excited about and have a big, long lead-up for it, you know the story is headed toward something soul-crushing.

Like this:

Fucking. Cupcakes.

How dare they use the prairie name in vain! I didn't realize "prairie" had joined the ranks of other meaningless words like 'unique' and 'social media expert'. YOU KILL ME, PRAIRIE GIRL BAKERY.

Toronto surely needed another cupcake shop. But you have red velvet cupcakes, you say? WHO GIVES A SHIT. It's a cupcake with red friggin' dye in it. Enjoy eating ground-up bugs, you Upper Canadian hipster chumps! I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON IT.

WHERE'S MY SASKATOON BERRY PIE?!?!?

WHERE IS IT!?!?

AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! AAAAAAHHHHH!!!

***

 
I have calmed down since initially writing this post, thanks to an emergency Ativan that we kept from one of my many previous run-ins with the dentist.

Now that I'm in a more mellow place, let me say that I do not bear Prairie Girl Bakery any ill will and will probably shop there one day. In fact, it's miraculous that cupcake crumbs aren't falling from my mouth and onto the keyboard as I type this.

However, should anyone know of a Toronto-based restaurant or "import" company that provides Saskatoon berries and Saskatoon berry products (besides jam and syrup - I've been able to hunt those down), please pass their name along to me. I will be their very best customer.

If there isn't such a place, there really should be. I mean, if we can get dragon fruit from Asia, we can surely ship some berries (or at worst - frozen Saskatoon berry pies) from a few provinces over, right? So, if you're an entrepreneur who wants to start a business but you just need a good idea, there it is: Saskatoon berries. And Puffed Wheat Squares. And Matrimonial Cake. Oh, also lacking? A good donair place. There - that's two good businesses (or one amazing business).

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Things I Think While Watching TV

He feels your pain.

The "interesting story" each contestant tells on Jeopardy is hands-down the most awkward part of my day. As the people goofily smile and enthusiastically relay these sad facts about themselves, I'm usually on the couch cringing and putting my hands over my face.

Didn't any of these contestants practice these at a dinner party first? Didn't any of the blank stares or slow responses of "Okaaaay ....?" tip them off?

Since these hanging, Asperger's-esque stories are a hallmark of the show, I'm guessing that everyone has been given strict instruction to tell very specific, but dreadfully dull things about themselves. They've maybe even been promised bonus points if they put on a look that says, "Oh, you're gonna love this one!". It's like the Jeopardy producer in charge of this segment is on a mission to maintain America's perception of nerds.

You know what would make a good trendy-thing-for-a-day Tumblr blog? One that transcribes every dull and random Jeopardy story. Like this (from Thursday's show):

I don't have the time to do this regularly, but maybe you do! So, please, take this idea and run like the wind with it, Future Internet Star.

If you're bored, tell me your own crappy Jeopardy story. Let's share our mediocre moments!

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Offend Your Friends

Queen For a Day!
Image Souce: Blurtit.com

It's a total faux pas to do something nice for someone and then announce it and brag about it (and as you'll see - photograph it - good grief, I have no shame!), but I kind of don't care. I don't care because sometimes I wish more people would think to help each other out and if this dumb post inspires someone out there to do just that, it's worth the lapse in manners.

I'm not sure if it's because all the magazines and books I've read from my 50s housewife days (which I still love to read!) presume a person pitches in when her friends, neighbours, community and country could use a hand, but lately I've been feeling like maybe we've become a little too focused on our own bubbles.

I don't think this is the case because people have become uncaring - I think we're just busier now, have more distractions and have become a mind-your-own-business society (which has its pluses and minuses) that is terrified of offending others (except when it comes to the comment section of articles, blogs and YouTube videos - there, some live to offend). We often worry that when we stick our necks out to offer help, the other person will somehow feel judged, and even get angry with us. In a post I wrote a while ago, I linked to this fabulous speech by JK Rowling that speaks to the importance of imagination. In her speech, she mentioned that through imagination, you can gain empathy and use that to help others. The roadblock that many of us face, however, is that we also imagine a backlash to helping. We worry about making that person in a wheelchair feel less capable if we offer to grab something on the grocery shelf for them. We hold back saying something to a mom whose toddler has pulled off his winter hat for fear that she'll think we believe she's a 'bad mother' for not noticing. We don't offer directions to the person who's clearly wandering about looking for landmarks because we don't want them to feel dumb. We often even keep to ourselves when it comes to people we know well. We don't want them to know that we've noticed that they could maybe use a hand or a break.

These fears aren't completely unwarranted, but maybe we should risk the potential backlash more often.

One of my good friends is the mom to a 1.5-year old. Her daughter is gorgeous and funny and smart and will surely grow up to be a brilliant human being I'll be proud to know. But as nearly all moms can attest, you can have the greatest kid in the world and still need a time out for yourself. My friend didn't have to (and didn't) tell me this - I just knew she was due for a break.

So, yesterday, without offering or needing to explain to her why, we swapped homes. I came up to her place to babysit her daughter (and do a bit of a tidy with my new little helper) and she arrived at  my place to discover this:

At the end of the day, she came back to her place where her family's dinner was magically ready and more wine was begging to be had.

It's OK, you can say it: I am pretty awesome. Har.

If there's a new mom or dad in your life, or anyone who could use a little relief, please steal this idea from me. You'll never feel so appreciated!

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Jen's Crystal Ball of Musical Pimpage

Because I am an attention whore who milks everything she does, I'd like to elaborate more on the Quickie I wrote on Hitched about "Ten Songs From Commercials That Haven't Been Created Yet".

Song #1:


Song Title: A Cause De Garcon (Tecktonik Remix)
Artist: Yelle
The Dealio: When we went to France this spring, our uber-fantastic host, Gauthier, had mentioned that is girlfriend was named Yelle and "wasn't the famous one, of course!" to which I blankly stared back at him with a look a cat might have when one is speaking to a cat about anything. You see, in Europe, Yelle is crazy famous and her songs Je Veux Te Voir, A Cause De Garcons, Parle à ma main with Fatal Bazooka, Les Femmes were huge, huge hits. With good reason - they're extremely catchy, fun, and danceable. The Tecktonik remix and video of A Cause De Garcons is an energetic blow up of the original, and it really doesn't matter if you don't understand the lyrics or 'get' the look of the dancers - this song is tres hot.
I'd Pimp Them To: Alesse (hip birth control makers). The song's quite fitting as you'd be taking these "Because of the Boys" (but if your parents discover your sexy-time pills, you'd say it's 'A Cause De Acne'). Either way, this energetic tune would send Alesse sales soaring.

Song #2:



Song Title: Knickerbocker
Artist: Fujiya & Miyagi
The Dealio: Like Yelle, this is another group from across the pond (Brighton, England), but unlike Yelle, they haven't had the huge explosion. Yet. The beginning of this song reminds me of Stereolab, which is, of course, a good thing. It's one of the few songs that had me hooked straight away - I'm the type that usually needs a few listen throughs before I can determine if I like a song. It grows slowly but steadily and by time the three minutes are up, you're a fan. Screw cowbell, more organ!
I'd Pimp Them To: Gap. It's been a while since I've seen a Gap commercial, and something fun and insta-hooky is just what Dr Jen ordered. They could totally play on the "Vanilla" (GAP classics) and "Strawberry" (GAP trend-wear) of the lyrics.

Song #3:



Song Title: I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked
Artist: Ida Maria
The Dealio: Clearly, I have something for Europeans. Ida Maria is a Norwegian singer that charmed the pants off the Brits this summer with "I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked", a song that peaked at 13 on the UK charts. It's fun, rambunctious, raw pop by a young and unabashed leading lady, who, according to several interviewers, likes to get her drink on. Stamp of approval, says I.
I'd Pimp Her To: The Next Season of Rock of Love. Because I'm pretty sure the song title describes exactly what dear Brett thinks about many of the contestants.

Song #4:



Song Title: Human Hair
Artist: Lovvers
The Dealio: Brit Band #2 on the list. Don't they remind you of the early Matador low-fi days? Jon Spencer Blues Explosion (with less rockabilly more surf) comes to mind. The band's label, Wichita, is a favourite of mine as they play host to the musical goodies of Peter, Bjorn & John and Block Party to name a few. The video clinches this song - creepy meets playful meets my entertainment requirements.
I'd Pimp Them To: This song is the perfect soundtrack for late-90s fans of snowboarding, skateboarding and surfing - who are pretty much a gem audience of the next Balance Board games about to be released for Nintendo Wii (like Skate it and Shaun White Snowboarding).

Song #5:

(It's video-less ... click here and scroll down to Veras)

Song Title: Veras
Artist: Los Alhama
The Dealio: I first heard Veras back in 1997 when I bought a "Folk Music of the World" CD at my campus bookstore. It was my big attempt to branch out and be 'wordly' without having to leave Alberta. It failed, but it put this song into my little brain where's it's stayed - dancing around on all those math tricks and history lessons that I can't recall anymore.
I'd Pimp Them To: The next Quentin Tarantino film (although upon looking up what the next Tarantino film (Inglorious Bastards) is going to be about, I could be very, very wrong. Not sure how he'd fit in a peppy gypsy tune in a movie about Jewish soldiers that scalp Nazis in occupied France ... but on the other hand, it could actually be perfect)!

Song #6:

*
* Note: Not the official video. Just sayin'

Song Title: Dancer
Artist: Woodhands
The Dealio: Look! North American band! And better yet, they're Canadian! I'd also disclose - the band's drummer, Paul Banwatt, is a friend through friends who also DJ'd my wedding (fabulously) - but that doesn't make this song any less fantasmatic. I don't even have to be drunk to dance to this one, and that says a lot. It's steamy. It's loud. It's sex-synth. (and their "I Wasn't Made For Fighting" is also worth a listen).
Who I'd Pimp Them To: Virgin Mobile. Because waiting around for someone to ask them to dance is probably something all the indie hipster kids do ... via text messaging.

Song #7:



Song Title: Knots
Artist: Pete & The Pirates
The Dealio: I have Barry Lachapelle to thank for my Pete & The Pirates obsession. He's one of Patrick's best friends who moved to London to work at an ad agency (dream scenerio, anyone?). Barry likes music. We like music. E-mails between Patrick and Barry are less about feelings and more about bands they like. I benefit from this on several levels. Pete & The Pirates are a band that should be rolling in dough but ... aren't. I don't get it. They're wildly likable, have songs that jump to the point and each band member has indie cute qualifications. WHAT'S THE DEAL, PEOPLE? I heard one of their earlier songs, Come on Feet, over a year ago and I could still listen to the thing 5x a day and not get bored.
I'd Pimp Them To: The big guns: iPod. Come on Feet more than Knots actually, but both would do super well. Break out the silhouettes, Apple - they want Pete & the Pirates to dance to!

Song #8:



Song Title: Sexy Grrl
Artist: Belladonnakillz
The Dealio: I didn't know this was a local band until I wrote this piece for Hitched. All I knew was that they blasted Lee's Palace with a really fun performance recently (was I there? Hells no. I was doing my usual evening thing: yogo pants and IFC. But I still heard about it, so I'm still cool. Right? No? Ok.). Sexy Grrl is a gritty electro-coustic anthem to a dreamy, faceless vision. It was me, boys, it was me.
I'd Pimp Them To: Runway show for Miu Miu. Nothing like a down-and-dirty track to make people forget that paying $800 for a sleeveless blouse is ridic.

Song #9:



Song Title: Bassment Party
Artist: The Cool Kids
The Dealio: And with number nine, an American band has finally made my list. I may be all about American brands, but it’s the music from other countries that are really the power houses. But such is not the case with The Cool Kids – a Chicago-Detroit duo that made things happen for themselves on MySpace. Bassment Party is a hip hop ode to getting drunk with pals, girls and frenemies.
I'd Pimp Them To: The Hills as the camera points to the exterior of an LA Club that none of use could ever get into.

***Edit*** This just in: The Cool Kids' Bassment Party was just featured on Sunday night's episode of Entourage. There you go ...

Song #10:



Song Title: Home Sweet Home
Artist: Those Dancing Days
The Dealio: This Swedish band is the second act from Wichita records to feature on this list. What can I say - they're sweet, they have girl drummer, and they play easy-pop melodies that go down well with an iced Coca-cola, McFries and a sunny day. What's not to like?
I'd Pimp Them To: The highest bidder. This song could easily be seen in the new 90210, commercials for Volkswagen, IKEA, West Jet (if it wanted to mix things up), or any scene where Lauren is driving and/or crying. It's made for mainstream pimping.

Have songs you think would sell crap to people? Comment them!

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The Thing You Should Never Assume About A Woman

Today I spent much of the afternoon partaking in my favourite hobby - shopping. What is it about consuming that I love so much?

I had grabbed a few items and was waiting in line at a change room when I was witness to one of those horrible things that you can't believe still happens in today's day and age. There are certain things that you figure all women realize is a no-no, and yet it occured today in the most disturbing of ways. I will explain:

A woman (maybe early thirties) stepped out of her change room and caught the attention of a sales clerk. I was still waiting in line, but was in the direct line of sight for the exchange.

Woman In The Change Room: Hi, um, would you be able to find me these pants [ed note: she was wearing them] in a size smaller please?

Sales Clerk: You sure?

The woman seemed a bit taken aback by this and hesitates. My heart stopped.

Woman In The Change Room: Yes ... um, I mean, if it isn't too much trouble.

Sales Clerk: (giddy and smiling) Heehee - oh no, no trouble! I just meant you might want to keep the size you have on now so that you can still wear it in a few months!

The woman looked even more baffled and started to flush. I didn't understand what the sales clerk meant but it sounded 100% awful and I couldn't tear my eyes away.

Woman In The Change Room: Umm ... I think I'd still like to see the smaller size, I think they'll fit better.

Sales Clerk: If you say so, but I know your little secret! I can always tell!

At that, the sales clerk patted the woman's little gut and smiled and went to go get her the requested size.

The woman was frozen for a second in complete and utter confusion and then it hit both of us at the same time: the sales clerk mistook her to be pregnant.

The woman made a little gasping noise and scuttled back into her change room and I could hear her frantically taking off the pants and presumably putting her own clothes back on in order to get the fuck out of there. I was shown my own change room at that point, so I didn't see her leave, but I know she did before the freak sales clerk returned because she was calling for her without answer.

I still feel horrible for that woman, and had I been able to do anything for her I would have - although I think the best thing I could have done was act as if I was not witness to her nightmare (which I really tried to do, really. Tried).

Why is it that some people think it's ok to guess/ask if people are pregnant?!?! I won't even give up my subway seat unless the woman does the obvious Yes-I'm-pregnant-so-get-the-fuck-up-and-let-me-sit-down moves: She puts her hand on her lower back to indicate it's sore and puts the other hand on/under her tummy in a protective way. That is the universal sign for pregnant. If you do not see it, do not assume. Ever!!!

Wherever you are Woman In The Change Room, I'm sorry you encountered such idiocy. You didn't look pregnant, and I agree that you could have gone down a size in your pants. Maybe even two.

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If You Own A Company That Sells Things, Please Read My Post

First things first, my weekly, uncool weigh-in: By some gracious Thanksgiving Miracle, I am down 1.6 lbs. I’m now essentially down to where I was a couple weeks ago (11 lbs gone). Completely undeserved, but I’ll take it. I now need to really keep on things if I’m to meet my goals.

In other news (and the part that relates to today's post's title), because it’s budget season at work, I’ve been contacting all sorts of people looking for quotes on all sorts of products and services. It is stunning how horrible some people are at sales, to the point that I’m embarrassed for their companies. I am not a salesperson, yet I’d like to think that if I were, I would know to:

• Use real, complete sentences and not fill an entire paragraph with ellipses and hope that they fill the void that verbs and nouns usually take up
• Spell simple words correctly (I shit you not, in one quote, the rep wrote “I estamate one weak until delivery”)
• Not to send back a useless, info-less e-mail response to my original e-mail that asks me to call them (Dude, I’m e-mailing you for a reason. Respect my chosen communication method. I don’t want to bloody chit-chat)
• Answer questions that get asked (wow!), especially when they’re really obvious and numbered and bolded in an attempt to draw attention to their importance
• Refrain from sending a canned response that has nothing to do with what was being asked. There’s no way that this company or industry is so busy that it can’t customize their e-mails. Or, you know, read them.
• Remember the person’s name, especially seeing as it’s in the e-mail address (although I can totally see how someone would confuse ‘Jen’ with ‘Mandy’, as happened in my case)
• Avoid pretending to be the client’s best friend / sorority sister / 12-yr old daughter by using fake, overly excited language and punctuation marks (“Hi Jen!!!! Thanks so much for your request!!!! This is going to be such a fantastic investment for you, I just know it!!!! LOL!!!”)

Naturally, I don’t write back to these people and correct them of their sales atrocities because that would be bitchy (as if blogging about them isn’t). I just don’t give them any of my company’s money. Haha.

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