Blogger Will Tear Us Apart

Just a quick note: Blogger - which is the thing I use to write such amazing dribble - was majorly screwed for the last few days. Because of that, comments to the site from last week along with a surely destined-for-greatness post of mine got erased. This is the saddest thing ever because your comments are my crack. They may all just be from one person - possibly my father - who simply keeps posting with different usernames, but I'm still totally cool with that. That's how pathetic and needy my Internet-based ego is.

Anyway, I don't want anyone out there thinking that I'm the one erasing comments. You'd have to call me way fatter names before I did that.

Here's something that will make us all feel better - Dave Gahan of Depeche Mode doing a cover of Joy Division's "Love Will Tear Us Apart" (Side-note: The person who says "No way!" near the beginning sounds exactly like how I imagine all Californian men sound like. And low and behold, this concert was in Los Angeles, thus confirming that all of the presumptions I have about large groups of people are always right):


Special thanks to Matt for posting that clip on his Facebook! I've since watched it a billion times.

And one other good thing to mention! xoJane is now live! It's the online magazine / community by Jane Pratt, the Lady Fantastico behind my favourite teen thing ever - Sassy Magazine! That mag was like John Hughes meets Riot Grrrrl. It was probably one of the first non-condescending things I read that was targeted to a girl my age, even though I'm pretty sure I totally deserved a full serving of condescension. I was quite the ignorant bitch, after all.

I therefore have big hopes for xoJane and so should you! Now let's all waste the afternoon on it together!

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Overheard: Not An April Fool, Just A Regular Fool

Here's an "Overheard", for the "I Weep For The Future" category of life (but props and respect go to the quick-thinking / jerkish guy in this conversation. There is hope.).

A girl and a guy, heading from George Brown College - which means they actually graduated from high school.

Girl: Wait, so March has 31 days?

Guy: Yep.

Girl: Every year?

Guy: Yep.

Girl: Since when?

Guy: Since always!

Girl: Ok, but I thought the rule was that if the month's name is short - like March or May or June - it only had 30 days. Big months like November and December have 31 days.

Guy: Uh, no.

Girl: Crap! Please tell me there's a September 31st! I just sent some post-dated cheques to my landlord!

Guy: *Pauses* Just kidding! April Fool's!

Girl: OMG! You totally got me! I was this close to calling my landlord and making an ass of myself!

Girl: *Pauses* Ok, so there is a September 31st?

Guy: Oh, definitely.

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Feeling Sorry for Teens (A First)

Overheard at Chapters between a mom and her teenage daughter ...

Mom: Look at this little tea cup! How cute!

Daughter: Sure.

Mom: You don't think it's cute?

Daughter: Mmm, it's fine. It's not for me, but it's fine.

Mom: You know what? Let's just go. Let's go. I'm done.

Daughter: What? Mom, relax. Why are you so mad? I ju...

Mom: I can't do this anymore. I have to say it. You have a toxic soul and I won't let you continue to ruin my day. Let's GO. NOW.

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Inflated-Deflated

INFLATED: 15 minutes ago:

Guy at liquor store: Uh, you got some ID?
Me: Really?
Guy at liquor store: Yes, really.
Me: You don't know how flattering this is. *I pull out ID*
Me: I'm 30.
Guy at liquor store: *Looks at ID* Oh, yes - yes you are. Sorry!
Me: *Glowing*
Guy at liquor store: So, you don't get ID'd very often?
Me: Uh, no. Totally don't get ID'd often.
Guy at liquor store: I'm surprised - you look young.
Me: I love you.

DEFLATED: 5 minutes ago:

At the neighbourhood burrito place (DON'T JUDGE ME) and Jennifer Warne's song Ain't No Cure for Love is playing on the speakers as I'm paying for my oh-so-nutritious meal.

Me: Wow ... I haven't heard this song in ... like ... 15 years!
Girl at burrito place: I don't think I've ever heard it.
Me: Wha? Really?
Girl at burrito place: Well, 15 years ago, I was only four years old.
Other Girl at burrito place: Huh, huh ... I was two!

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Confessions of a Dork

A friend of mine mentioned that she was feeling like a bit of a jackass for something she did recently. It was truly nothing and she shouldn't give it another moment's thought. I've done way, way worse and some illustrations of this have already been mentioned on this site. The "Humiliation 101" tag can conveniently link you to some of my published moments of shame.

But it doesn't stop there. My life has been simply riddled with glorious examples of how uncouth and uncool I can be, and it started at an early age.

So, if you're ever down about something dumb you did, just take a gander at this small selection of personal low-lights. You should feel much better and smarter about yourself instantly:

1. Until Grade 10, I thought the song "Bette Davis Eyes" was sung by Rod Stewart. (C'mon, close your eyes and imagine it - I wasn't THAT crazy to think this!)

2. When I got my very first period, I thought that I had cut myself with the toilet paper.

3. At one point or another, I've had a crush on the following super cool objects of desire: Gilligan, Paul Pfeiffer, Gilbert Blithe, and Data, the android from Star Trek Next Generation.

4. For a very long time, I thought Jimmy Buffet and Warren Buffet were the same person. I'd be out somewhere with friends and Margaritaville would play and I'd say, "Isn't crazy that THIS GUY ended up being, like, insanely rich?" And my friend would stare at me confused. And then I'd say "Geez, don't you read the papers? He's heavy into investments!"

5. My first semi-serious-ish boyfriend only asked me out after he had already asked out two different girls. That day. And had been rejected. And I enthusiastically said yes. BECAUSE. HAVING. A. BOYFRIEND. WAS. IMPORTANT.

Expect more of these in the future!

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I Used To Be A Mellow Person

I'm starting to realize that the commute to work, which got longer when I moved, is turning me into an Angry Jen. I recently heard a song that reminded me of what life was like when I worked downtown. I'd often hear that song when I plugged into my iPod and iWalked home at the end of the day. So happy. So relaxed. So enjoying the wonderfulness of the spring and summer in the city (I didn't walk home in the winter - that is crazy talk). People used to comment about how very laid-back I was, even when shit was hitting the fan at work.

They don't say that about me anymore.

Now my day is bookend-ed by long rides on the TTC, and I have to say, it is no way to start or end a day.

More and more, as I encounter people who choose to crowd the doorway before letting those of us already on the subway out, I feel myself getting closer to actualizing my fantasy of sticking out of my fist, shouting "Go-Go-Gadget Battering Ram!" and smashing the crowders apart like a modern anger-filled Moses.

This week, the following happened while I was using the TTC:
* Two people, one of which was a crazy homeless person with a penchant for the n-word and a disregard for deodorant, got in an insane fist-fight in my subway car. Everyone did their best to pretend it wasn't happening and the TTC staff just kind of let them 'fight it out'. At one point, Crazy Guy grabbed something from his bag and gestured that he had a weapon. Weee.
* A giant, long pause for no known reason on the subway lasted 10 minutes. Result? Missed the bus! Got to wait 20 minutes in pee-stink subway station.
* I was about to park by butt in a seat when an annoying teen pushed herself into the spot and then snotted "Hellooooo!" to me. Again, the Go-Go-Gadget Battery Ram would have come in handy.

This is in addition to the usual: People pushing, shoving, not walking on the left-side of the escalator, crowding, not giving seats up to the elderly, etc, etc, etc.

I've tried to turn my commute into a "My Time" experience - with a book, music, daydreaming - but it just hasn't been working lately, and instead I arrive at my destination pissy and pouty, and I don't like the grump I've become. Change is required. Now.

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Why Phone Etiquette Is Oh So Important In This Day And Age

Just now someone called my home. The conversation went like this:

Me: Hello?

Teen: Yo.

Me: Um ... hi. Who wer...

Teen: *click*

Nice.

A simple "Sorry, I have the wrong number" would have been supremely easy to spit out and would have been gladly accepted. I'm blogging this little exchange as a warning to all the politeness-challenged morons out there who have yet to realize that manners are important.

Just imagine that you, Teen, hung up on someone that was a REAL a-hole. A busy-body. A psycho. A gamer that has been camping outside of a Best Buy in vain, coming home empty Wii-handed. A woman who is raging with PMS and just ran out of chocolate. I could go on ... basically, Teen, these are the people in your neighbourhood. People that you should not be messing with with your lack of phone etiquette.

Why, asks the ignorant Teen? Because, stupid Teen, these people more than likely have the most basic access to everyday technology. Call display, for instance, and a computer that hooks up to the Internet. Pretty standard, yes?

Within 2 minutes of the click in my ear, I - and anybody that knows how to read and type - was able to find out the following:

* The name of Teen's mother

* The home phone number

* Teen's home address

* A map leading me to that address

* Teen's mother's volunteer organization, of which she is on the board

* Meeting times of Teen mother's organization

* A map to those meeting locations

And I'm not even that driven to find you, Teen. You are so lucky that I still had some Toblerone in the house.

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12

= The number of times a group a try-hard 20-year olds mentioned the word "emo" while on the subway. The also talked about The OC, Stillepost and a few other lame things that I can't clearly recall because I was spacing out from disinterest.

I can't wait until I'm in my thirties and can officially distance myself from 20-something poo-talk.

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