Yes! We Have No Bikini Stories Today!

I am back from vacation, all. And, yes, it was a dandy time even though the resort lacked the Argentinian football team that I was pinning all my slutty hopes and dreams on.

Sigh. For shame.

And since I'm disappointing you with that, I'll add one more sad fact into this blog post:

I didn't wear the homemade bikini and therefore avoided the humiliation that was greatly foreshadowed in my previous post.

Sorry.

I brought it.

I put it on.

And then I felt a familiar feeling.

I looked in the mirror in the hotel room and could see that I was already starting to sport the Coppertone Girl look. But there wasn't an adorable black poodle tugging at my bottoms, but my old nemesis, gravity. And this was without the weight of water dragging my drawers down, so Newton only knows how long they would have lasted had I dog-paddled to the swim-up bar done a few laps.

And, yet, I still considered going out to the pool like that. For the blog. Because I am that much of a whore for an awful story to tell.

But then a voice I so rarely hear peeped up.

"Jen ... what about your diggimy?"

"My what?"

"Diggimy. Or is it dimnity?"

"Come again?"

"You know, that thing that you're supposed to have? The belief that you're better than that so you act better than that. Diginimy."

"Wait. Do you mean DIGNITY?"

"Yeah! That's it! Dig-ni-ty," the voice said, familiarizing itself with the word for the first time in years.

I glanced back at myself in the mirror and could see that the voice was right. That there was no diggimy or dimnity in exposing anyone's eyes to the Bikini Bottom Blowout that was getting worse by the second.

So I instead put on what was my most matronly of bathing suits and promptly burned the only skin the suit exposed, my armpits.

Sorry.

But the trip was overall pretty fun. So fun in fact that certain details cannot be revealed or I'd be straight-up murdered by my travel buddy. If I were to edit out any words that would require a Daddy Disclaimer, the trip could be summarized as: tequila, sun, ceviche, tequila, catamaran, Americans, tequila, sunburn, weird ice cream, tequila, mojito, tequila, Thank-God-no-one-here-has-a-camera.

Weeeee!

And now I'm back and trying to settle into reality.

Weeeee?

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I'm Basically The Worst Unemployed Person Ever

Image Source: FunCheapSF

... because instead of refining my résumé for the millionth time and glumly living off of Sapporo Ichiban, I'm going to Mexico this week.

HEEEEEEEEEEEE!

It's my incredibly irresponsible way of rewarding myself for not having a job or a husband anymore. (And I must say, I've really excelled at both.)

I'm going with a girlfriend who also had a crappy 2012. We've vowed to make it one of those trips where the details of what goes on during it aren't allowed to be shared with anyone we know, and that probably includes "The Internet". (Sorry.) Just know that in reality, I will most likely spend at least two days of this vacation watching episodes of Friends dubbed into Spanish in the hotel room while I recover from a sunburn brought on by falling asleep by the pool. But let's all at least pretend that I'm going to have a wild and glorious time in the land of sun and tequila, ok?

After booking the last-minute deal, we started diving further into the reviews of the resort and there was one - a complaint - that gave both of us hope that it may indeed be a dandy of a trip after all:

... everything was great until a new group of guests came in, which unfortunately included a couple Argentinian football teams. These guys were interested in anything in a skirt ...  

To which my friend and I responded:

Oh, please, Baby Jesus, make it so.

And if going to Mexico isn't indulgent enough for someone with no income, yesterday I went and got eyelash extensions (so that I didn't have to bother with mascara on the trip), a manicure and a pedicure.

You see, I received a bit of Christmas money from my grandfather, and I'm pretty sure at the bottom of the cheque it said, "For whoring it up." - so I kind of had to spend it on this:

Local Business Plug: I am wearing zero make-up in the picture, and look at how dolled-up my eyes look! If you want to get eyelash extensions in Toronto, I highly recommend Balanced Beaute - she is so good, won't make you look cartoonish, and is probably one of the most affordable pros in the city. Yay!

My other bit of prep work from this trip actually saved me money: not buying food. Not buying food meant I couldn't eat anything, which resulted in me going down a glorious 11 pounds since Christmas. Thanks, starvation! High five, desperation! This weight will all come screaming back on as I stuff my face at the resort's buffet and swim-up bar, but whatever.

The final thing I did in anticipation of going to Mexico involved harnessing my very novice skills as a seamstress: I made my own bikini. I can already smell the humiliation that will surely happen while wearing this. Not simply because it's a bikini (GAH!) but because I chose the fabric based on how pretty it was and not based on the trivial matter of how well it deals with water. Heh. So, you have that account to look forward to, readers.

I'll probably do one more tiny post this week, but that will likely be it until I get back. And then hopefully I'll become a bit more regular with the updates and thoughts and first-world gripings after that.

Your notes from my previous post were all really appreciated. How did such nice people end up stumbling on this blog? Boy, I'm lucky.

Adios for now, muchachos!

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Do They Know It's Boxing Day?

Greetings from San Sebastian, Spain!

Today is our last full day here before we ship off to Barcelona, so we hope to make it a good one. The plan is to take a look at the city from atop a great hill (that can mercifully be reached by some kind of pull car. Señorita Fatty here has been assured of this), eat pintxos, drink Getariako Txakolina, and perhaps pick up a few deals on some cute plates I saw for my next home décor project.

Yesterday was Christmas and it didn't feel particularly Christmas-y, but it was still great as it was spent with family: Patrick, my sister, my brother-in-law, and my parents. Awesome, no? As most of the shops and restaurants were closed, we spent the day exchanging little gifts, having mimosas (with real champagne, n'est pas), watching Apple TV movies, playing cards, eating chocolate and going on little walks.

A Christmas gift to my well-travelled dad (who refers to himself as "Uncle Travelling Matt" now and again) from his Muppet-obsessed daughters:

Mel and Ben with treats from Canada:

My pretty mother, modelling her new necklace - all before she had a chance to put on make-up and do her hair (but isn't she still lovely?):

My handsome husband, modelling his new beard (picture was also taken before he had a chance to put on make-up):

My sister and I are crazy in love. I act like posing with one's fist on her hip is somehow natural:

My whole family in San Seb on Christmas Day:

You see how we're all in coats? The weather here is nice, but, like, mild-September-day-nice to put it into a Canadian context. Still totally pleasant - but you can just imagine how crazyballs amazing the place probably would be in warm weather. Dreamy!

Blue skies, old buildings:

It was the birthday of the dude on top of that hill ....

... but we didn't go into one of these to celebrate it:

Rather, we went to a holy place more our style (my mom's maiden name is "Martinez", so this shot is perfect as at wilder points in our lives, "Bar" was each of our middle names, too):

Homemade vin chaud and playing a very classy, strategic, intellectually-challenging game from our childhood:

Hope your Christmas (however you celebrate or don't celebrate it) was happy and healthy!

Chat soon!

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Paris Does Everything Better

This blog post is about Paris even though I'm in Spain now; that's partially because my first day in Spain was spent feeling sick and napping and pooping and basically acting like a miserable cow. I think it's my body's way of expressing that it's angry to have left France. I keep telling myself that, because the likely reality that I just can't drink wine and eat cheese like I used to is too sad to accept.

But anyway - Paris!

Even though it isn't snowy, being in the city around the Christmas season has been pretty cool as we've experienced different aspects of Paris we hadn't witnessed before. For example, they have these Christmas villages (Festival Noel) set up all over the place that sell cheap gifts and serve what is the Parisian version of carnival food.

You know how at North American carnivals, everything wrong in the world is combined, cooked in grease and then hilariously called "food"? The Parisian version is like this except made by people who understand the concept of shame. It's still "junk food", it just isn't filled with such obvious self-hatred. For example, the thing that we would call a "cheesedog" at the fair, in France consists of a fresh baguette and a sausage that has been smeared with dijon mustard and topped with melted brie.

Mouthgasm.

I wish I had pictures. We forgot our camera's USB cord at home - but here are some pics from other people on the Internet:

These are all from Soundlandscape's Blog:

Vin chaud! A very tasty hot wine that tastes quite a bit like sangria if you served it piping hot:

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire:

Can you imagine anyone at a country fair serving deep friend Mars bars in a chef's outfit?:

A booth:

The festival isn't the only thing the French do better - they also do 1950s Christmas tackiness better than us.

For example, take a look at this fantastically bizarre "spray tree" from the December 1957 Better Homes & Gardens:

Now take a look at what you can find in Paris - the same idea but in a glorious, over-the-top red!

From Art Girl's Guide to Paris

Le swoon.

We are now in San Sebastián, Spain - the Basque region known as a foodie and party capital of the world. The streets are filled with restaurants that specialize in pintxo, little tapas of every fantastic variety. I cannot speak the language at all, so there will be lots of grunting and gesturing toward things I want to eat. In other words, I'll be acting as I normally do.

Ciao for now!

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