28 Jan 2009

I Support Anything That Supports My Cat Theory

My theory is this: They are evil. This one, especially:

Kat is from an alien planet and is hell-bent on destruction. Kid (Coop) is the only one who realizes it. Kat is intent on bringing Kid down.

One of the ladies on Hitched is the post-production supervisor of this show, Kid Vs. Kat, which is even more reason to love it. Settle in with a bowl of Lucky Charms and tune into YTV on Saturdays to catch the mayhem.


27 Jan 2009

Because My Limited Photoshop Skills Need To Be Shared

If you are unawares of Gossip Girl and / or the era of the 90s, this post will be non-interesting. Sorry (FOR you).

Check out the article I penned for Hitched about Rufus Humphrey and a fictional Celebrity iTunes Playlist I figured he would author. Since Hitched's column size can't allow it, I'm posting the little image I created here - it can be expanded by clicking on it.

The songs are:
1. Waiting for Somebody – Paul Westerberg
2. Two Princes – Spin Doctors
3. All I Want – Toad the Wet Sprocket
4. Linger – Cranberries
5. What’s Up – 4 Non-Blondes
6. Cherub Rock – Smashing Pumpkins
7. She’s So Young – Pursuit of Happiness
8. Cannonball – The Breeders
9. Hey Jealousy – Gin Blossoms
10. No Rain – Blind Melon

And yes, it is probably wrong for a 30-year old to spend her time thinking about and plotting such things - but I'm ok with that. Probably a little too ok with that.


26 Jan 2009

Notice something .... different?

Nope - didn't get a haircut.
No - DEFINITELY didn't lose weight.
A new dress? Well, sort of!

As you can probably tell, the blog is going through a visual revamp. It's not all done (the header obviously still needs to be changed) but a good chunk got taken care over over the weekend, thanks in part to my darling husband, thanks in part to darling me.

Also - you might notice that the blog is now at its very own website - www.jenbutneverjenn.com, as opposed to the blogspot address. If you link to or have my site bookmarked, you may want to update - but blogger will continue to redirect you this way until further notice.

And yes - in the near future the Alphabetty image will also link to something more substantial - client work has kept me a little busy and I want that site to be just right before turning it live.

Isn't technology thrilling?

EDITED TO ADD: Currently, the site is best viewed with a screen resolution of 1280 x 1024. Viewing it other ways will make it appear dumb. So to be clear - it's you, not me.


23 Jan 2009

Don't Ever Let Him Bartend

Last night I had a project to work on and ended up bringing my laptop to bed with me. As soon as I finished the last sentence of copy, I was OUT - completely zonked and instantly asleep. All evening, Patrick hung out in the living room watching TV and doing whatever it is that boys do when they have the home to themselves.

I've just found out what that was.

Around 4:30am, my husband ungracefully crawled into bed, waking me up in the process. I decided to get up to use the washroom and when I did, Patrick weakly asked if I could get him a Rolaid. I got him one, he ate it, started snoring immediately and I knew my window for sleep was over. I decided to go make myself some tea and found this in the kitchen:

That would be a bottle of mezcal (it's like tequila), Starbucks Coffee Liqueur and the glass that once bound this monstrosity together. If he hasn't yet named his cocktail, I might suggest "The-Very-Bad-Idea-tini"

Rolaids, indeed.

I should probably go to the liquor store and get some real booze before he starts mixing the Triple Sec with Listerine.


20 Jan 2009




16 Jan 2009

Gag Me With A ... Cracker?

Crackers have long held a treasured role in The Sick Day. If your tummy was feeling a little shaky, saltines (and a wee glass of ginger ale) would be on the menu. They are in the pantries of every binge drinker, mother of small children and hypochondriac (those people aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive. If and when I become a mother, you can bet the binge drinking will continue if not increase … substantially).

In this tough economic time, it seems Premium Plus doesn’t want to patiently stand by and wait for you to get sick and need their product. Instead, they’d now like to play an active role in acquiring queasy customers. Take a look:

All I see are bowls and bowls of colourful projectile vomit. Most convincing is that last chunky-looking orange one on the diner counter - it even gets a super slow-mo treatment just so you can drink that image right in. When this commercial comes on, I literally start dry-heaving even before the first cracker makes contact. The suggestion near the end that someone has then EATEN the puke soup (the spoon twirling around the empty bowl) has me panicking for an empty garbage can.

I do have to give this ad a bit of credit: You know the scene where four sprays of barf can be seen gushing from cubicles? I think it quite accurately captures how the majority of people feel when they get into the office.


13 Jan 2009

The Worst Man In The World Gives Career Advice


Loud Talker: ... If you want to make it, you have to be hungry. You have to show no fear. You gotta keep on cold calling. I mean, look at homeless guys. They cold call for money constantly - that's all they do - is ask for what they want, from strangers, over and over, despite the rejections.

Other Guy: You're using a homeless person as a model of success?

Loud Talker: They're alive, aren't they? They survive without jobs because they cold call. They cold call because they're hungry. The difference between them and you, is that THEY have PASSION.


8 Jan 2009

Confessions of a Dork V. 2

I said there would be more and there is! I am positively FILLED with horrible, true stories about moi. Seriously. If I ever wrote an autobiography, it would be called "Cringe: The Life and Times of The All-Too-Honest Jen Byck."

And yes, I've repeated the image (of me!) I used from my first "Confessions of a Dork." It's just too suitable not to use again.

So, let's get to it, shall we?

1. I have canceled not one, but TWO separate dentist appointments because of my embarrassment over the fact that the roof of my mouth was burned from eating hot pizza too quickly.

2. Whenever I wake up after a morning of 'happy drinking', I discover that at least FOUR tabs of my open browser have this video marked as 'played'. Apparently, I can't help but privately 'dance' to this (at least four times) when hammered.

3. In Grade 10, I won a provincial award for a short children's story I wrote. The truth is, I had stolen the premise of my story from an episode of The Smurfs. At the time, I was utterfly TERRIFIED of being caught.

4. I find this sexy. And have since forever. THE WHOLE DANG BRUCEY THING.

5. In Grade 7, I decided to burn all my arm hair off with Nair. One of my proudest days as a tween was when a boy in class proclaimed "Let's see Squatchie!" [Ed Note: 'Squatchie' was slang for 'Sasquatch' - my !ADORABLE! Jr. High nickname] and pulled my sleeve up ... only to dumb-foundedly find no hair at all. I then strutted around the room and proclaimed "Boys, Squatchie has left the building." And then sashayed to the girl's bathroom to hide until class was done. [Ed note, again: I said this without knowing, whatsoever, who " ... has left the building" was originally referring to.]

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I have no shame

Need words? I'm a Toronto-based freelance writer who injects great ones into blogs, websites, magazines, ads and more. So many services, one lovely Jen (with one 'n').

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