28 Oct 2009

An Imaginary Conversation

Woman walks into her home carrying her gym bag. Her husband hears her and walks over:

Husband: Hey, honey. You're back sooner than I thought you'd be.

Wife: Really? I, uh, went to the gym like normal.

Husband: I don't think you've even been gone 20 minutes?

Wife: Uh ... well, part of the gym was ... uh ... closed ... so I just did a core workout.

Husband: It must have been a quick one - you barely look like you broke a sweat.

Wife: What are you implying? Are you suggesting I didn't go the gym? I wouldn't pack my gym stuff, leave here, go the gym and just turn around and come home!

Husband: Whoa! I just ...

Wife: You just nothing!I was at the gym! I went in the gym! I worked out! STOP TREATING ME LIKE A CRIMINAL!


16 Oct 2009

Overheard: Two Loud-Talking Studs

Near George Brown College:

Dude 1: I gotta score me a honey tonight, yo.

Dude 2: Awwww, yah, it's ho-o'clock!

Dude 1: Ho'clock ... to suck my cock!

Dude 2: PIMP JUICE! Bones it!

*They then "bones it."*

In case it wasn't abundantly clear from the quotes, these guys were white, about 90 lbs each and most definitely virgins.


5 Oct 2009

I Clearly Watch Too Much TV ...

... because the first thing I thought of when I saw this ad online at The Shopping Channel:

... was that the Ice Truck Killer from Dexter was back:

Carry on.


4 Oct 2009

Even My Daydreams Are Lame

Last night, I got home and watched a bit of Saturday Night Live. SNL is a blend of funny, strange, not-funny-now-but-give-me-a-week, awkward and disappointing. I'd say that a successful episode of SNL is about 35% funny and 20% strange, which I think is fairly generous ... and, well, a rarity in some seasons.

Maybe I'm weird, but the part of SNL that I'm fascinated by most is the very end when the host and the cast are all on the stage. As the credits roll, everyone turns and hugs each other, shares little jokes and makes what looks to be small talk.

For whatever reason, when I think about what it would be like to be in that group, I imagine being the schmuck who is the bookend between conversations: The person to the right turns to someone and the person to the left turns to someone and I'm standing there like a grinning idiot trying to act like I'm totally cool with having alone-time within a group setting. Knowing the dork I am, as the camera would pan to me, I'd be busy having a *really engaging* conversation on my not-even-turned-on cell phone.

These are the things I think about.

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I have no shame

Need words? I'm a Toronto-based freelance writer who injects great ones into blogs, websites, magazines, ads and more. So many services, one lovely Jen (with one 'n').

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