18 Oct 2007

Conversations with Douches

Oh, I've had so many today!

I volunteered at a particular event in which I had to interact with a bunch of people. Some were very nice. Some were complete tools.

A real conversation:

Douche: Hey, can I have a Powerade?

Me: Sorry, these [giant skid of Powerade that I've been tasked with protecting] aren't for today;s event. There's a tent just over there with some cold ones though.

Douche: C'mon. These are right here though.

Me: I know, but they've asked that no one touch these. The tent's just right there (pointing about 30 feet from us) - and they're cold. These ones are all warm.

Douche: Just let me take two. Just look the other way.

Me: Sorry.

Douche: You know, I am a banker.


10 Oct 2007

What Not To Wear Out

Namely, your lower back.

I destroyed my body on Monday by stubbornly opting to do the following:

* Lifting a dishwasher, by myself, onto a mat and moving it out of the kitchen.
* Somehow maneuvering / lifting a fridge onto a mat, by myself, and moving it out of the kitchen.
* Moving a gigantic pantry, by myself.
* Sanding the walls.
* Painting the walls.
* Installing new flooring.

All in one day.

It's Wednesday night and I'm only now starting to feel less pain.

Don't try this at home.


4 Oct 2007

Random Life News

So, a post or so ago I mentioned that I would be looking for another job. Another job I did look for. Another job I did find.

Seems like only yesterday I was posting about how I was leaving my old job for a new one. And yet, I've done it again.

I've decided to return to non-profit. While I love the people I worked with, my soul - simply put - was rotting away at the old job. I was just putting WAY too much energy and time and brain juice into ... well, nothing. Some guy's big wallet in Korea, I suppose. So while I wish my former employer well, I wish my new employer much, much better vibes.

Nothing replaces knowing that you're doing good.


23 Sept 2007


Today is my birthday.

It was spent doing very adult things like digging the penis-shaped straws out of my purse (from Julianne's stagette the night before), cluelessly wandering around a Home Depot for flooring and ending up only buying batteries and a chocolate bar and a visit to the Mothership Ikea where we are now known BY NAME by an employee, Mike, in the kitchen department.

Yes. Very adult indeed.

The following awesome gifts have been received:
* Boogie for Wii
* Cooking Mama for Wii
* Real Simple magazine subscription
* A landline phone
* Gift certificate at Gone Shopping
* Lotto tickets
* A pig in Zambia named Jen But Never Jenn

Dinner is up next at Tom Jones (named after the Henry Fielding novel, not the panty-attracting singer)!



17 Sept 2007

Feeling Bad Makes Me Feel Good

I am stuffed up. I have itchy eyes, a runny nose, an achey bod and I'm sneezing quite a bit. My face and chest feel as though I've just finished a really big cry. I do believe that I am sick. And I'm sooo happy.

For whatever reason, I've always kinda liked getting a cold. You feel all wonderfully dopey. Your voice sounds hilarious. You get to wear pajamas all day. People feel sorry for you. You can eat as much chicken noodle soup as you like. You get smothered in yummy Vick's Vapour Rub. You get to live on the couch with pillows and a blanket and magazines and Oprah.

LOVE IT. Maybe this is why I am so unsympathetic when I hear other people are sick. I'm not the uncaring cow you think I am. I'm actually just jealous.


11 Sept 2007

Starbucks Melts My Brain

I'm not really a huge Starbucks person, and that really shined through when I went to order a drink from them today.

Combine the distraction of the nattering Bluetoothed folk around me and my desire to try something fancy and new (to me), the "Tazo Chai Tea Latte" I intended to ask for came out as a "Tazzered Late Chattie-o."

That's verbatim. Sigh - I am such a tourist.


30 Aug 2007

And WHY Can't I Look Like This Everyday?

We just got our pro pics in ... Just when I was starting to become a human again the wedding stuff strides back into my life ... sigh. Poor, poor me.


19 Aug 2007



It's been over a month since my last post. Being married is just so, so time consuming, you see.

Stuff has been on the go - like the following:
* Went on our honeymoon to Las Vegas. Managed to avoid Celine Dion. Had a crazy good time.
* Visited Winnipeg, Regina and Saskatoon. Have the mosquito bites to prove it.
* Chopped off my hair! (Well, not myself, but my Aunt Laura did)
* Began the process of renovating the kitchen by visiting our furniture and decor mothership, IKEA. I cannot wait to bid the ugliness of our current kitchen goodbye.
* Destroyed all the good things I had done for my body. Now starting those good habits back up. Sigh.
* Decided to actively look for another job as the current one was making my hair fall out and my teeth disfigured from all the clenching.

So, that is the thrill that is my life.


15 Jul 2007

That's MRS Jen But Never Jenn to you.

Repeating what I've posted elsewhere on the interweb ... but:


So, yesterday I became a Mrs. It was AWESOME.

Honestly, I wish I could have a wedding every month. Throwing a party where I could get a mini makeover, control the playlist, ply people with appetizers, desserts and booze and only invite guests that I adore is my version of heaven. I will surely be in wedding withdrawal this month. I just couldn't get enough of the evening and was having such a kick-ass time.

When we finally went to bed around 3am, it was only then that I realized that my feet were killing me - I was THAT high on bridal goodness that I never noticed.

Anyway, I won't bore people with too many details but will give a few highlights:
* My peeps got together in my bridal suite (Suites of 1 King West - awesome hotel) and got our hair and makeup professionally done. After Foxy got her lashes applied, everyone wanted them, so my mom made an emergency falsies run to get some.
* Champagne ride in an old white limo was made hilarious by the radio hits playing inside it. Several Office (NBC) jokes were made when "Give Me the Beat Boys" came on.
* Photo session on my condo rooftop ... totally relaxing and the rain went away just so we could sneak it in. Patrick looks handsome and I am so in love.
* The ceremony was crazy fast. Done in 20 minutes. Went like a blur, but people commented on how nice and personal it was. Our officiant was excellent. Hitched!
* A quick, fun on-the-street photo session with my peeps occured afterward while guests dug into the WORLD'S BEST APPETIZERS. I cannot wait to see the pro pics.
* Reception time! More appetizers! Booze! The place looks awesome and intimate and filled with our little touches that everyone comments on. Decor continues to go along with our theme (to see our "look" go to http://www.patifer.com/ )
* My dad surprises me with a slideshow of my childhood during his speech. Tears.
* In the speech to thank everyone I have a complete public meltdown that causes a domino meltdown among my friends and family. Good tears but crazy.
* Dancing, dancing, dancing. It starts off a bit slowly, but picks up suddenly - the guests get down with their bad selves.
* The open bar goes over VERY well.
* Lots of awesome family moments of gushy admissions of adorations for each other.
* The dance floor remains busy, but now everyone is shoeless. All the songs are hilarious and personal and a few favourite tunes literally have some of our guests (and bride) screaming and laughing uncontrollably (in a good way!).
* My parents dance the whole night. My mom dirty dances with a gay boy while my high school friends do shots with my dad. Life is good.
* We leave people wanting more as we have to shut the party down at 2am. Wish we could have another hour but are thrilled to end on a high note.

Some pics, stolen from various Facebooks (in chronological order):
My d├ęcor is organized. The little circular cards are trivia (ie: little nuggets of info about my wedding, families or our parents’ weddings) and totally out-dated wedding advice:

Miss Foxy and I showing off our lashes:

The $50 Wedding Dress is revealed (excuse the dumb face I’m making):

The flowers arrive. We decide to go WITH some beads after all:

Getting our ride on to the photos. The girls (my friend since the age of 5 – Anissa, Foxy, my sister, Melanie) look hawt:

Photos on our rooftop:

My Man of Honour does some paper work with our Officiant:

The stage is set:

On my way with mom and dad:

I’m married. And a little bit happy:

On the street as cars honked like crazy and people shouted "CONGRATULATIONS!!!!" …:

… and while guests are mingling:

Our MCs of Awesomeness:

First dance with my husband!:

Dancing with my dad:

Party, Party, Party:

The Happy Couple:

Loved it.


15 Jun 2007

Tick Tock, It Don't Stop!

We're a month away from the big day and the nightmares are coming on strong.

None of them have anything to do with our relationship, or even dear, sweet Patrick for that matter. Poor guy, it’s like he doesn’t even exist in my Twilight Zone episodes. At best, he’s a bit actor in them, but never a guest star or even a character with lines. So far, the dreams have been about life-or-death issues like centerpieces, flowers, a distant forgotten aunt that demands an invite and nail polish colours. Yes, it’s these important issues that have literally woken me in night in a cold sweat of panic.

In waking reality, I don't even CARE about this stuff, but my subconscious clearly has a very different list of priorities. I’m slightly tempted to request a meeting with Jacquelyn’s dream-analyzing mother-in-law so that all this can be interpreted to me.

In one nightmare, people arrived at the wedding and were ANGRY that my centerpieces didn’t include real flowers. In my dream, I ended up getting on the streetcar and subway (in my dress) during the reception in a vain attempt to find real flowers and appease the masses. My dress got dirty, and all I had to show for it were some lame daisies and baby’s breath found at a 24-hr convenience store.

In another sleep-depriver, a woman claiming to be my great aunt contacted Patrick’s family to vent about not being invited and this vent made its way to me. Because I had never heard of her, I refused to extend the invite and ended up getting in crazy angry trouble with Patrick’s grandmother, who apparently knew this woman through some weird organization (see: cult). In the end, it turned out that the woman was a total scam artist, as were Patrick’s ENTIRE FAMILY.

These dream have got to stop.

An original Paint drawing by The Bride


26 May 2007

Prescription For Attainable Happiness

Dr Jen But Never Jenn has ordered it.

Your Rx:

1. Put on some make-up and do your hair.
2. Slap on a dress and tell yourself that you are adorable.
3. Make reservations at a nearby restaurant.
4. Order a bottle of wine, appetizers, dinner and, most importantly, dessert.
5. Enjoy them slowly over lovely conversation and flirting with the man you love.
6. Come home, have more wine and dance to the song that was / will be "your song" at your wedding.
7. Take a picture.
8. Repeat, at minimum, every 28 days - ideally, every 7 to 14 days.


19 May 2007

Relaxation Interrupted

Today we discovered our condo's rooftop patio (just re-opened yesterday!). It's a wonderful thing - it has some pretty flowers, two beautiful BBQs, deck chairs, patio sets - all so nice. A total urban escape! We live in the downtown core of Toronto among very tall buildings, so while our view from the 9th floor patio was very nice, one can only imagine what the view would be from the 24-floor building next to us. In any case, I'm not complaining. Yay patio!

After my morning's workout, we opted to check it out. Put on some yummy tropical-like sun lotion, grabbed my copy of Chatelaine (my god, this magazine is good), sunglasses and a protein shake and headed up. Awesomeness.

Until ... the phobia kicked in.

I've never discussed this, but ever since 9-11, I've had "a thing". Not crippling, mind you ... just ... a thing. Like most people, I was effected by 9-11 in the usual ways: gutted feelings of horror, a constant nausea that followed me for about two weeks straight, walking around feeling like just a shell of you was left ... Anyway, once that initial stuff passed, I was ok. I went on flights. I took elevators up tall buildings. I visited New York. It was all fine. Didn't bother me.

One thing, though, still gets my spine tingly ... my throat clenched ... anxiety shooting through me: a low-flying plane. Or at least, what I perceive to be a low-flying plane. For whatever reason, I feel like I'm about to witness the plane going into a building. My workplace is near an airport, so I deal with these sightings constantly. Gradually, I've gotten better.

But today did me in.

Imagine, if you will, you are in a downtown area filled with supremely tall buildings, all surrounding you. Coincidently, you also happen to live near an area where tourists can gather. To watch things. LIKE AIRSHOWS.


Even Patrick yelped when one of them came in, I swear, down our street, making a big u-turn in our faces. It didn't help one bit that a few of these were WWII bombers - because if I could have a Number 2 Phobia, it would probably be Nazis. Nazis in low flying air planes cruising by my head = Jen's heart shitting itself.

We Googled, and this was just a practice day for those in an airshow. I will certainly be in my room, rocking myself gently in a corner when the real deal goes on.


15 May 2007

I Really Should Stop Talking To Strangers

Today on the subway, a very frazzled-looking woman boarded with a large cardboard banker's box that had a couple little holes punched into it randomly. I guess this woman was rather distracted this evening, because she apparently forgot about this little thing called inertia. As the subway lurched, so did she and so did her box, right out of her hands.

The box hit the ground hard, the woman yelped and snatched it up quickly, looking quite distraught.

Girl next to me, talking to her friend: OMG, it would be so horrible if there was a puppy in that box.

Me: But if it was a cat - that would be AWESOME. [Note: Not being sarcastic]

Girl & Friend: *Stoney silence and look of disgust on their faces.*

Me: Ahh ... hehe. *Getting off subway one stop early to flee situation.*


10 May 2007

Maybe They Should Make A FaceFamily?

So, in case I haven't mentioned it, I'm planning our wedding.

We decided early on that we would invite our extended family, up to the first-cousin level. We also made a decision that we wouldn't pick-and-choose relatives within this scope but invite them all. Nice, fair, feelings intact, and no one's left out. Aunt and Uncle [Pretentious Wankers]* remain oblivious and Cousin [Even GRANDPA doesn't like you]* still feels the love.

This theoretically works unless you are marrying Patrick. You see, until a few recent Facebook Friendship Requests, Patrick had COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN THE EXISTENCE OF AT LEAST THREE COUSINS. Now, I have cousins that speak a different language than me, cousins that I'm two decades older than, cousins that I've met only a small handful of times ... and they are most definitely on the invite list. Patrick's cousins, on the other hand, live in the same province, speak the same language, are the same age and share memories of summers spent racing each other on BMX bikes. And yet he forgets.

I have now had to resort to going through our list, pointing to the name of his aunt or uncle and quizzing Patrick on their reproductive histories. We haven't even gone through the entire list yet, and we're already looking at SEVEN new people now.

Le sigh.

* Sidenote: I know a few of my family members read this, and be assured, I'm all too pleased to invite you and am looking forward to seeing you. Really! And Grandpa does indeed like you. At least, I think so. It's sometimes hard to tell.


30 Apr 2007

My Friends Are Effen (Vodka) Awesome

I was recently treated to a lovely party, hosted by my lovely maids in honour of my lovely singledom coming to an end.

Some brides have kitchen showers where they get little cookery gadgets to make meals filled with love. Others have lingerie showers where they get lacy skiviies to keep things hot in the bedroom. Some women are treated to everyday household items to make their house a home.

Yawn, I say, yawn.

Not this bride! Clearly, my friends know me exceptionally well and know exactly what fuels my relationship with Patrick and will be the key to our success as a couple:

Weeeeee!!!! Copious amounts of booze!

My "fill-the-bar" party was a fun success, mostly due to the hardworkin' hosting of Will, Anissa and Jacquelyn. So - thank you, my dearests!

The next party is clearly at my place.


16 Apr 2007

"Jen Needs"

... just following along like a little lamb.

A popular blog / Facebook game is to do the following:

1. Go to Google.ca
2. Including the quotey marks, type in "YOURNAME needs" (in my case, it's "Jen needs")
3. Take the top five results and post them.

I've done this, but taken out the ones where some other Jens had done this exact game. So, here it is, just what I need!:

Jen needs to have a session or two with a therapist.
Jen needs a break.
Jen needs to find a self righteous, conspicuous "I'm better than you" charitable position so she can keep charming the sheep into thinking she matters a rat's ass, like Scangalina did.
4. Jen needs your help ...
5. Jen needs human anatomy lessons.

I should note that at least two of these are in reference to the Jen with the last name of Aniston.


20 Mar 2007


... to being slim and cute ...

Ha - for a second, Jacquelyn was going to press the Comment button and continue her daily rage about The Secret - the world's lamest "new-age" trend. Alas, that is not what this post is about.

Today, we celebrated a birthday in our office in the only way North Americans know how to celebrate birth - lighting waxed items on fire and placing them on sugared, baked goods. In other words, a birthday cake, for all to enjoy.

So, anyway, I'm munching away ... lalala, bliss bliss, forgeting the hell that is my existence, eat, eat, eat ... when I notice that the office sprites, two young, exceptionally slender, cute girls that remind everyone of enchanting wood fairies except that they have a flair for marketing (and one of whom has a blog and appears now and again on MTV), have left half their cake behind. The good end, mind you, the awesome ass end. If for some reason you are filled with crazy and don't understand, this is end I speak of (many thanks, again, to Paint, the light of my design life, for making this graphic possible):
So ... looking content (or trying to look content, I can't tell), they stand up, ditch the beloved cake ass into the garbage and leave the room. BLASPHEMY. For me, eating the cakey part is practically torture. I trudge through it, saving the icing caboose as a reward ... you know, for all my hard cake-eating work.

And this rationale, ladies and gentlemen, is why I am the blessed "curvy" size that I am.



17 Mar 2007


Our new, dark walnut hardwood floors have crazy scratches in them. In one area, near a chair that we never bothered to properly put protective leg-fuzz around, the scratches are fervent - possibly hundreds of lines, back and forthing themselves in a 1/2 foot of space.

I used to worry about them, thinking these little dumb lines that can only be seen if the light catches them ever-so, would effect our capacity to sell our condo one day. I used to even not be able to go to bed, trying to think about how I could diminish them. How easily I forgot how the place was when we bought it ... with stained carpets, disturbing bathroom and dirty kitchen, and how, even then, I thought it to be a deal.

I really can't let this little stuff (and it is oh so little) get to me. I've reached a point with things that I realize that I need to think bigger picture and not let the silly details dictate my mood. Overall, I am Happy ... Healthy ... No longer scrimping to make ends meet. The scratches are just reminders to think about the big picture, because the big picture is pretty nice.

Patrick and I have been looking to get art, and right now, a Monet seems most appropriate:


7 Mar 2007

Rebuttal to the Commenters in My Previous Post

Whaa? "Looks good!"? You'd eat them?

Patrick, an out-and-out chocoholic, refuses to sample them because they look THAT MUCH like doggy doo.

Perhaps if I styled the photo shoot slightly differently with the help of Patrick you would agree:

Surely, you can't think these things look appetizing now!


6 Mar 2007

Disasters in the Kitchen

Today I tried my hand at making favours. I wanted to create little mini wedding cakes out of low-fat brownies. I had such a vision for them. Little, cute, round, darling. Something that would make Martha proud.

The brownies - in their natural pan-form - turned out great. Moist, tasty, chewy ...

The mini wedding cakes, however ....

This is what I imagine happens when you feed a dog ground beef:


My attempts to make different icing styles DID NOT help matters, and if anything, gave these little "treats" the appearance of different phases of wetness.

Welcome to our wedding everyone. Please enjoy.


3 Mar 2007

Things You Can Put on a Wedding Registry

This week Patrick and I put together a small wedding registry. I imagine you can tell a lot about people by what they place on there, providing it isn't just a bunch of white towels.

There are a lot of interesting things available for registries. Here is a sampling of actually-available-for-registry products we found. What would you think if you were gift shopping and saw this wish list?:

From Linens n’ Things
Chicago Bulls Bedroom Coordinates. Items starting at $39.99

From The Bay
One Touch Painless Tweeze Home Electrolysis. $39.00

From Canadian Tire
Electronic Deer Calling Device and Doe Estrous Scent Dispenser. Buy them together for $79.98.

From Linens n’ Things
Movietime Retro Popcorn Cart. Was $399.99, on sale for $299.99

From Sears
Nova Tambourine. $19.99

From The Bay
Dora the Explorer: My Talking Backpack. $24.99

From Canadian Tire
30-ft. Wind Turbine Tower Kit. $699.99

From Sears
Men's Priva Light Loss Bladder Control Briefs
. $19.99

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I have no shame

Need words? I'm a Toronto-based freelance writer who injects great ones into blogs, websites, magazines, ads and more. So many services, one lovely Jen (with one 'n').

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