7 Nov 2005

Ever Wish?

Ever wish that you could turn to the loud, screaming, milk-smelling man beside you on the subway and ask "can you just go be crazy somewhere else, please?"

I now have a horribly long transit ride to work, which is fine in the morning because it appears that insane people don't get up that early. But on the way home, it never fails that some troubled soul decides to let loose a few seats away from me. I know I should feel bad for them, but mostly I feel bad for me.

The guy today on my way home kept loudly announcing various football scores and tv shows and then went into strange tirades about being a dog that needed to be freed. Pretty much everyone was doing their best to act like it wasn't happening. He was in full madness mode when two big, beefy guys that had that DO NOT FUCK WITH ME look came on the subway car and sat nearby. And what do you know, the crazy guy promptly shut up.

Ooooh - look who's not tough enough to be crazy now?!? That's right, bitch! Maybe you should go back to the library until you're ready to play with the big boys, huh?

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6 Nov 2005

The Thing You Should Never Assume About A Woman

Today I spent much of the afternoon partaking in my favourite hobby - shopping. What is it about consuming that I love so much?

I had grabbed a few items and was waiting in line at a change room when I was witness to one of those horrible things that you can't believe still happens in today's day and age. There are certain things that you figure all women realize is a no-no, and yet it occured today in the most disturbing of ways. I will explain:

A woman (maybe early thirties) stepped out of her change room and caught the attention of a sales clerk. I was still waiting in line, but was in the direct line of sight for the exchange.

Woman In The Change Room: Hi, um, would you be able to find me these pants [ed note: she was wearing them] in a size smaller please?

Sales Clerk: You sure?

The woman seemed a bit taken aback by this and hesitates. My heart stopped.

Woman In The Change Room: Yes ... um, I mean, if it isn't too much trouble.

Sales Clerk: (giddy and smiling) Heehee - oh no, no trouble! I just meant you might want to keep the size you have on now so that you can still wear it in a few months!

The woman looked even more baffled and started to flush. I didn't understand what the sales clerk meant but it sounded 100% awful and I couldn't tear my eyes away.

Woman In The Change Room: Umm ... I think I'd still like to see the smaller size, I think they'll fit better.

Sales Clerk: If you say so, but I know your little secret! I can always tell!

At that, the sales clerk patted the woman's little gut and smiled and went to go get her the requested size.

The woman was frozen for a second in complete and utter confusion and then it hit both of us at the same time: the sales clerk mistook her to be pregnant.

The woman made a little gasping noise and scuttled back into her change room and I could hear her frantically taking off the pants and presumably putting her own clothes back on in order to get the fuck out of there. I was shown my own change room at that point, so I didn't see her leave, but I know she did before the freak sales clerk returned because she was calling for her without answer.

I still feel horrible for that woman, and had I been able to do anything for her I would have - although I think the best thing I could have done was act as if I was not witness to her nightmare (which I really tried to do, really. Tried).

Why is it that some people think it's ok to guess/ask if people are pregnant?!?! I won't even give up my subway seat unless the woman does the obvious Yes-I'm-pregnant-so-get-the-fuck-up-and-let-me-sit-down moves: She puts her hand on her lower back to indicate it's sore and puts the other hand on/under her tummy in a protective way. That is the universal sign for pregnant. If you do not see it, do not assume. Ever!!!

Wherever you are Woman In The Change Room, I'm sorry you encountered such idiocy. You didn't look pregnant, and I agree that you could have gone down a size in your pants. Maybe even two.

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4 Nov 2005

12

= The number of times a group a try-hard 20-year olds mentioned the word "emo" while on the subway. The also talked about The OC, Stillepost and a few other lame things that I can't clearly recall because I was spacing out from disinterest.

I can't wait until I'm in my thirties and can officially distance myself from 20-something poo-talk.

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1 Nov 2005

Weighty Confessions

10 lbs. 10 fucking lbs. THAT is what the scale keeps insisting I've gained this week. Now, I know that I can't have possibly gained 10 lbs of fat, and I have the added knowledge that this is a time of water retention for me - but STILL!

I'm quite sure I have gained some fat-based weight because:
a) I have not been tracking points all that well / at all
b) I have gleefully been eating shit in the form of candy and chips on the weekend
c) I've been having a bit more to drink lately (not in a Liza Minelli way but in the more-consistently-having-wine-with-dinner way) and I know how quickly that adds points
d) I no longer have my nice walk from work that I can pretend is daily exercise

I do all this bullshit more and more even though I know my 'goal dates' draw closer. It's just not worth it to eat that crap and I even recognize that fact at the time, yet for some reason I act like I don't care and just sabotage myself continually. Why???

I'm considering joining a gym as there is a good one near my work - and as I say this, I roll my eyes. I do this all the time:
1. I get all desperate/motivated and join a gym
2. Stick with it for three months
3. Something interrupts my ways (crazy work, illness, crazy life)
4. I derail completely
5. I announce "I'm just not a gym person and that's ok" and then pay money each month for a service I don't use until the annual contract is up
6. Months and months (or even years) pass and I slowly start to look gym-ward again.

It would be frightening to see how much money I've put toward weight-loss stuff (books, equipment, gym memberships, WW stuff, exercise videos). Frightening - and I think part of the reason I do it is because once I plunk money down on something, I immediately feel accomplished, as if I had dropped 20lbs right there. Which of course I celebrate with a glass of wine a piece of cake. BECAUSE I MAKE SUCH GREAT SENSE.

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I have no shame

Need words? I'm a Toronto-based freelance writer who injects great ones into blogs, websites, magazines, ads and more. So many services, one lovely Jen (with one 'n').

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