21 Oct 2010

How I Knew I Wasn't Ready

I got up the other morning, determined to get my 50s housewife on. I wasn't feeling great, but I thought that maybe things would improve once I got going.

I started dolling myself up in the bathroom but didn't want to put lipstick on; still being sick, I knew I'd have to toss the tube after using it to prevent getting this flu (yes, flu, wah) again. Instead, I washed my hands, dipped my finger in a tub of Vaseline and attempted to pretty my lips like a 12-year old does when she's not yet allowed to wear make-up and figures medicinal products are a great way to skirt mom's rules (Bonus Fact From the Tween Vault: Try as you might, Pepto Bismol will never make your cheeks look rouged).

Anyway, my lips were dry, so the experience quickly became less about glamour and more about relief. I spread the petroleum jelly slightly outside the borders of my lips to extend the soothing feeling where my skin needed it.

And then, I couldn't help myself ...

I started smearing the Vaseline along my nostrils. You see, they were really dry and chapped from all the snottiness and nose-blowing and were aching for the same relief my mouth was reveling in a mere inch below.

It turned out that my nose was in thorough need of repair and so a second finger-dunk of Vaseline was required to fully cover and smother all the rashy areas.

I then took a good look at myself in the mirror. Before me hunched a thoroughly bagged individual whose snout was glistening and gooped-up as if she had been the victim of a half-assed Queller Demon attack (not boned up on your Buffyverse monsters? How dare you. You can see what I mean if you watch this clip, specifically around the 3:25 mark).

Have the visual? Here's more: to make matters more attractive, with every violent cough or sneeze I had, a small glop of Vaseline would fly from my face. Had a casting director been nearby, I surely would have clinched a spot as a title character in Turner & Hooch 2 - and not the Tom Hanks role.

It was then that I realized that the 50s housewife experiment, part deux was probably going to have to wait. I'll start it up on Monday, gentle readers. Surely by then I'll be at full strength to put on heels and make-up and trample on the feminist movement with charming gusto.

3 comments:

Jennifer (a different one!),  10:27 pm, October 21, 2010  

I haven't thought about Turner and Hooch for a very long time. With good reason. I look forward to Monday!

Anonymous,  1:24 pm, October 23, 2010  

I just learned about your original 1950s housewife experiment and spent all morning reading it. I love it! Will definitely read this next installment!

amy ryan 6:36 am, October 23, 2014  

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Need words? I'm a Toronto-based freelance writer who injects great ones into blogs, websites, magazines, ads and more. So many services, one lovely Jen (with one 'n').

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