4 Jul 2012

An Excerpt From My Never-To-Be-Published Children's Book

"Good morning, Jen!" said The Old Friendly House.

"Good morning, House!" said Jen as she dressed to go to work.

"It sure was nice when your parents were here visiting," said The Old Friendly House.

"Yes, it sure was," said Jen.

"They replaced the filter in my air conditioning unit with a clean one!" said The Old Friendly House.

"They caulked up my windows and sealed my leaks!" said The Old Friendly House.

"They even cleaned up my yard!" said The Old Friendly House.

"Yes, wasn't that wonderful of them?" replied Jen.

"It sure was," said The Old Friendly House. "It was like an actual adult lived here."

"Heh," said Jen.

"But now they've left, haven't they?" asked The Old Friendly House.

"Yes," said Jen. "It's just you and me now."

"OH GOOD," said The Old and Suddenly Not-So-Friendly House.

And with that, The Old Friendly Asshole House let in a hoard of ants into the kitchen.

"Try to ignore these!" cackled The Old Asshole House.

"Ah, crap," said Jen.

But The Old Asshole House wasn't done yet.

"Come upstairs, Jen!" shrieked The Old Asshole House. "Come see what I'm doing now!"

So Jen walked up the stairs.

And opened the bathroom door.

And discovered her toilet was flooding all over the floor.

"BUAHAHAHAHAHAA!" hollered The Old Asshole House. "WELCOME TO HOME OWNERSHIP, MOTHERFUCKER!"

And Jen winced.

And the house laughed and laughed.

"Mommy and Daddy aren't here to take care of this for you, are they?" snarked The Old Asshole House. "Let's see you deal with this, big girl!"

So Jen stood there.

And stood there.

And then wandered off non-dealingly to blog about it.

"Oh for fuck's sake," sighed The Old Asshole House.

20 comments:

Unknown 2:48 pm, July 04, 2012  

Now there's a kid's book I want to read!

Nicole G.,  3:02 pm, July 04, 2012  

My Google Reader sucks without you. I get so excited when I see you've posted something. Hope to see more of your posts soon! Tell that Old Asshole House to shove it.

-From your loyal groupie ho.

Susan 3:50 pm, July 04, 2012  

HAHAHA! Make that house your bitch, Jen! You can do it!

Kelley 11:29 pm, July 04, 2012  

Glad to see a new post from you! I'm studying to be a children's book illustrator - lemme know if you want to collaborate on this. ;)

Capucine,  3:04 am, July 05, 2012  

Sick some diatomaceous earth on those ants... it's a poison-free solution that is safe for people and pets. I got rid of some yucky earwigs that way when I moved into my new apartment and they haven't been back...

~ Capucine

amandaroederwrites 2:58 pm, July 05, 2012  

Baaaaahahaha! Right there with ya ... home ownership is not for the faint of heart.

amandaroederwrites 2:58 pm, July 05, 2012  

Baaaaahahaha! Right there with ya ... home ownership is not for the faint of heart.

Patty T 9:31 pm, July 05, 2012  

I always spray Windex on ants. It kills them and makes your counter sparkle! I'm sure a 50s housewife would approve. :)

hippychic 11:07 am, July 06, 2012  

Your house is a bastard. Come hang out with me in Michigan. I have booze.

emily @ the happy home 1:49 pm, July 06, 2012  

this was AMAZING. i have an old asshole (rental) house that recently went kablooie as soon as My Dad Who Can Fix Everything left after his visit.

i suggest you kick the house in the shins and tell it to eff off.

The Toxic Housewife 5:26 pm, July 13, 2012  

Well, damn it, that totally blows out of the water MY planned children's book: "You're Only Bullied Because You Suck".

Susan Being Snippy 1:20 pm, July 23, 2012  

I have not read your posts in a while and am sad to read that your partner left, but you might have felt otherwise if you got to be sixty and he was still hanging around, there are days I wish my hubby would just die... and he won't leave, but he does make me tea when I ask him to. He doesn't much look after the house and my PA is 15 years gone so every once in a while I have to hire I fixer upper guy who comes when my hubby is not home and then I claim I did the work!

Krista,  6:58 am, September 10, 2012  

Dear Jen! I hope you're doing well! Love your blog!

Anonymous,  1:54 pm, September 17, 2012  

Hope things are going ok for you! I've been there... is sucks! Hope to hear from you soon!

Emily,  9:41 pm, October 15, 2012  

Miss your blog Jen, hope you are doing okay x

Anonymous,  1:56 pm, October 25, 2012  

Hi Jen

I really miss your blog its always been one of the highlights of my day to read a new post from you! Hope you are doing ok given the circumstances

Mgmt., The Park Ave. Pub 11:14 pm, October 31, 2012  

Fuck Michigan -- come to Indiana. I have more booze. And more sweet corn.

Anonymous,  1:39 pm, November 21, 2012  

I MISS YOU!!!!!

COME BACK!!!!!!

But seriously, hope you're okay! Hopefully, you'll soon grace the internet again with your presence.

Anonymous,  6:34 pm, November 28, 2012  

Please come back Jen!! There's heaps of loyal readers who really miss you.. Hope you are doing ok and it be awesome to read a post from you soon!

Anonymous,  4:35 pm, December 10, 2012  

Hi Jen

I'm not sure if you even still read the comments on your blog but if you do PLEASE come back soon!!!

I really miss reading your blog posts :(

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I have no shame

Need words? I'm a Toronto-based freelance writer who injects great ones into blogs, websites, magazines, ads and more. So many services, one lovely Jen (with one 'n').

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