Omerica

Lalalalalala.

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Gag Me With A ... Cracker?

Crackers have long held a treasured role in The Sick Day. If your tummy was feeling a little shaky, saltines (and a wee glass of ginger ale) would be on the menu. They are in the pantries of every binge drinker, mother of small children and hypochondriac (those people aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive. If and when I become a mother, you can bet the binge drinking will continue if not increase … substantially).

In this tough economic time, it seems Premium Plus doesn’t want to patiently stand by and wait for you to get sick and need their product. Instead, they’d now like to play an active role in acquiring queasy customers. Take a look:

Premium-plus-kraft-canada-fireworks
Uploaded by business-garden

All I see are bowls and bowls of colourful projectile vomit. Most convincing is that last chunky-looking orange one on the diner counter - it even gets a super slow-mo treatment just so you can drink that image right in. When this commercial comes on, I literally start dry-heaving even before the first cracker makes contact. The suggestion near the end that someone has then EATEN the puke soup (the spoon twirling around the empty bowl) has me panicking for an empty garbage can.

I do have to give this ad a bit of credit: You know the scene where four sprays of barf can be seen gushing from cubicles? I think it quite accurately captures how the majority of people feel when they get into the office.

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The Worst Man In The World Gives Career Advice

Overheard:

Loud Talker: ... If you want to make it, you have to be hungry. You have to show no fear. You gotta keep on cold calling. I mean, look at homeless guys. They cold call for money constantly - that's all they do - is ask for what they want, from strangers, over and over, despite the rejections.

Other Guy: You're using a homeless person as a model of success?

Loud Talker: They're alive, aren't they? They survive without jobs because they cold call. They cold call because they're hungry. The difference between them and you, is that THEY have PASSION.

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Confessions of a Dork V. 2

I said there would be more and there is! I am positively FILLED with horrible, true stories about moi. Seriously. If I ever wrote an autobiography, it would be called "Cringe: The Life and Times of The All-Too-Honest Jen Byck."

And yes, I've repeated the image (of me!) I used from my first "Confessions of a Dork." It's just too suitable not to use again.

So, let's get to it, shall we?

1. I have canceled not one, but TWO separate dentist appointments because of my embarrassment over the fact that the roof of my mouth was burned from eating hot pizza too quickly.

2. Whenever I wake up after a morning of 'happy drinking', I discover that at least FOUR tabs of my open browser have this video marked as 'played'. Apparently, I can't help but privately 'dance' to this (at least four times) when hammered.

3. In Grade 10, I won a provincial award for a short children's story I wrote. The truth is, I had stolen the premise of my story from an episode of The Smurfs. At the time, I was utterfly TERRIFIED of being caught.

4. I find this sexy. And have since forever. THE WHOLE DANG BRUCEY THING.

5. In Grade 7, I decided to burn all my arm hair off with Nair. One of my proudest days as a tween was when a boy in class proclaimed "Let's see Squatchie!" [Ed Note: 'Squatchie' was slang for 'Sasquatch' - my !ADORABLE! Jr. High nickname] and pulled my sleeve up ... only to dumb-foundedly find no hair at all. I then strutted around the room and proclaimed "Boys, Squatchie has left the building." And then sashayed to the girl's bathroom to hide until class was done. [Ed note, again: I said this without knowing, whatsoever, who " ... has left the building" was originally referring to.]

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