I'm Sorry, I Have A Cold

From Wikipedia: Monty Python

I recently participated in some lame growing-older lady activities, namely looking at antique shops and perusing places that specialize in tea blends.

I realize this puts me just a few steps away from wearing shawls and acquiring multiple cats. I've accepted that.

Anyway, at one shop the elderly woman manning the counter was big on small-talk. After the obligatory mentions of weather and gardening (ah, yes, gardening. It's official: shawls and cats are in my immediate future), our attentions were turned to a noise just outside the store.

There was cheering, chanting, and eventually, a glimpse of what was causing all the fuss (fuss! An old lady term! I should just start stocking up on Fancy Feast now.): some guys were trotting along the sidewalk; not quite goose-stepping, not quite Ukrainian dancing, but doing something confusingly in between. (If I was being literal, I guess that would make what they were doing ... Polish?) It was clearly some kind of stunt brought on by Frosh Week. I deduced this not from a Sherlock Holmesian brilliance, but from the fact they were all wearing T-shirts that had "FROSH 13" written across them. Indubitably.

"Wow," I said to the shopkeeper. "Reminds me of the Ministry of Silly Walks."

She blinked.

"From Monty Python. You know. That sketch," I smiled.

"Oh! Now, there's a name I haven't heard in a while. What else did they do, again?" she asked, keenly.

And then my brain betrayed me, as it always fucking does.

SIT ON MY FACE, AND TELL ME THAT YOU LOVE ME...

"Ughh," I stammered ....

I'LL SIT ON YOUR FACE, AND TELL YOU I LOVE YOU, TOO ....

"Well, they did the one about ..."

I LOVE TO HEAR YOU ORALIZE WHEN I'M BETWEEN YOUR THIGHS...

"... well, wow, they had so many sketches. And movies. It's hard to pick just one ..."

LIFE CAN BE FINE IF WE BOTH SIXTY-NINE ....

"They're a funny group from Britain, right?" she said. "I just love British humour! It's so clever. So witty!"

And - finally - a different sketch (something completely different, if you will) came to me.

"I fart in your general direction!" I screamed in her face.

"Oh, yes, right," she politely replied, having no idea what I was talking about.

I really shouldn't ever leave my home.

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Overheard: Please Let This Be An Innocent Three's Company Kind Of Misunderstanding

Was just in the backyard, hanging out with my only friend the dog when I heard this conversation over the fence, a couple doors down. These people are in their 50s or 60s and I see the husband almost everyday while walking Huck:


Woman: You told me we'd try.

 *I perk up and pause the ritual post-work scratching of Huck's chest. Huck is not amused.* 

Man: What? Now?

Woman: Don't be an idiot.

Man: Well, you're bringing it up now.

Woman: They say it's better to talk about things after the fact, when you're not in the heat of the moment.

Man: Heat of the moment? When was that?

Woman: I guess that's our problem. There's no heat, sir. No heat at all.

Man: Fine. FINE! This weekend, alright?

Woman: Good. I'll pick up Vaseline from the Costco.

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I Could Watch This All Day

I'll put a somewhat more meaningful post up later, but for now, this will do just fine:



 (Hover over the top-left of the clip to select the speaker and turn on the sound. If it still isn't coming through, click on the original.)

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This Post Is Pretty Much Just Videos

... because words don't quite describe how great things are right this second.

This is me right now:



Totally happy, with exactly zero fucks to give.

Why? Because 2012, the year that shat on my chest after eating at a questionable taco stand, now finally feels over. I know it's June 2013, but it's taken this long to clean up that whole mess. Today, I can say:

• I just got paid by two clients whom I had been waiting on forever.
• I'm gainfully employed and officially start full-time on Monday.
• The house is securely in my name only, and I'm on a mission to destroy its mortgage.
• I got a judge-approved divorce order. D-Day becomes official in a couple weeks.

And so I say:

And:

And:

And:

(As you can see, my happy place embarrassingly resides in the pop culture wasteland of 1990 - 1992.)

Have an awesome weekend - I know I will!

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