28 Oct 2011

He's Lucky He's Cute

Maybe I just like to play with fire. I'm about to post something that falls under the headline of Cruel Wife Publicly Picks On Her Husband, despite the fact that Patrick is in possession of a very embarrassing, very cringe-worthy video clip starring moi. It isn't kinky. It isn't politically incorrect.

It's a video of me attempting to climb over a fence.

Like the sex tape we will never make, Patrick swears he will never show it to anyone but wants to keep it for his own private and personal amusement. I'm probably testing that promise with this blog entry, but I think this is funny and I'll risk almost anything to entertain you faceless strangers. And, wow, that is fucked up.

So here's the scoop: For some reason, Patrick either wasn't exposed to a wide variety of foods growing up or simply never paid attention to them until he met me. I've documented his picky eating habits quite a bit, but I haven't shared with you my other strange observation: he doesn't know what a lot of food even is.

I'm not talking trendy foodie snob stuff or ingredients from those "ethnic" aisles - I'm talking about what I presumed was everyday, regular food.

Can I give you some examples of things that I've put on grocery lists vs. the things he came home with? And no, none of these were things he accidentally picked up or misunderstood. These are things he really, really had never been exposed to, so he made his best guess. It gets progressively alarming as you scroll down.

I asked for:


I received:


I asked for:

I received:

I asked for:

I received:

I asked for:


I received:


And then this week, the pièce de résistance ...

I asked for:

I received:



Sometimes I wish we had hidden video in our home so you could see the progression of facial reactions I had when I pulled Milkbones out of the bag, but we don't, so you'll get the next best thing: one of my MS Paint re-enactments:


Edited to Add: I sort of knew he wouldn't know what lamb chops were, so when I put them on the list, I made a point of mentioning to him that they were the types that "looked like they were mostly bone." So - my bad? He later told me he thought I wanted "lamb chops" in case our friend Barry stopped by with his dog. But still. THAT'S what he thought lamb chops were.

I ...? I ...? I ... am now drinking.

8 comments:

Anonymous,  6:20 pm, October 28, 2011  

so funny!! my sister once dated a guy who thought that b/c the hot dog pkg had baked beans pictured on the label, that they were actually INCLUDED....

Karen 6:52 pm, October 28, 2011  

OMG OMG OMG. Your cartoon at the end ... OMG. Dying.

LaurenRitta 8:57 pm, October 28, 2011  

This is my husband. He's from Nebraska. His diet before me was exclusively casseroles and other foods in brown and tan. He didn't know about avocados.

Jess 11:44 pm, October 28, 2011  

Your re-enactment was awesome! I think my neighbors heard me literally LOL

Samantha 12:50 am, October 29, 2011  

I would bet money that he's doing this on purpose so he doesn't have to go shopping anymore. That's awesome, though!

Blair Frodelius 7:57 am, October 29, 2011  

I thought for sure he'd come home with these: http://halfagiraffe.tv/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/il_fullxfull.120334750.jpg

Jen 2:31 pm, October 31, 2011  

Thanks for commenting, people!

Samantha: I bet you're right.

Blair: I wish! I have a strange weakness for big sideburns / chops. Weird, I know.

Jennifer Bylok,  3:58 pm, November 11, 2011  

Can't...stop...laughing...Must...wipe...tears...from...eyes...

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Need words? I'm a Toronto-based freelance writer who injects great ones into blogs, websites, magazines, ads and more. So many services, one lovely Jen (with one 'n').

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