An Excerpt From My Never-To-Be-Published Children's Book

"Good morning, Jen!" said The Old Friendly House.

"Good morning, House!" said Jen as she dressed to go to work.

"It sure was nice when your parents were here visiting," said The Old Friendly House.

"Yes, it sure was," said Jen.

"They replaced the filter in my air conditioning unit with a clean one!" said The Old Friendly House.

"They caulked up my windows and sealed my leaks!" said The Old Friendly House.

"They even cleaned up my yard!" said The Old Friendly House.

"Yes, wasn't that wonderful of them?" replied Jen.

"It sure was," said The Old Friendly House. "It was like an actual adult lived here."

"Heh," said Jen.

"But now they've left, haven't they?" asked The Old Friendly House.

"Yes," said Jen. "It's just you and me now."

"OH GOOD," said The Old and Suddenly Not-So-Friendly House.

And with that, The Old Friendly Asshole House let in a hoard of ants into the kitchen.

"Try to ignore these!" cackled The Old Asshole House.

"Ah, crap," said Jen.

But The Old Asshole House wasn't done yet.

"Come upstairs, Jen!" shrieked The Old Asshole House. "Come see what I'm doing now!"

So Jen walked up the stairs.

And opened the bathroom door.

And discovered her toilet was flooding all over the floor.

"BUAHAHAHAHAHAA!" hollered The Old Asshole House. "WELCOME TO HOME OWNERSHIP, MOTHERFUCKER!"

And Jen winced.

And the house laughed and laughed.

"Mommy and Daddy aren't here to take care of this for you, are they?" snarked The Old Asshole House. "Let's see you deal with this, big girl!"

So Jen stood there.

And stood there.

And then wandered off non-dealingly to blog about it.

"Oh for fuck's sake," sighed The Old Asshole House.

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Yeah, I've Still Got It

Source: TheStar.com

This morning when I was taking the crowded subway to work, I noticed in my peripheral that there was a man sitting across from where I was standing who was slowly checking me out.

From the corner of my eye I could see that he was starting at my face, was making his way slowly down my bod, down my legs, all the way to my ankles and then back up again. He didn't seem to care about how obvious he was.

It was a little boost of self-esteem, and I found myself casually trying to stand a little straighter as I oh-so-gently ran my fingers in my hair.

And then I decided to glance directly at him.

It turned out that he was asleep and was merely bobbing his head.

Yeaaaah, me.

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Thank You

You guys are beyond lovely. You're more awesome than all the cupcakes and zombies and bacon in the world (although I've been told that burritos are the new bacon. Rest assured, you're better than all of those too).

Thank you.

My gift to you is to not predictably include a Dido or Alanis Morissette song in this post, rather to include one that is just simply fantastic that I hope you enjoy:
Have an amazing weekend, everyone!

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Oh, Internet, The Things You Don't Know ...

I've decided to edit this down and remove most of the post; the bulk of it probably should have just gone in a sparkly diary with a little pink lock.

I'll just leave it as:

1) Patrick moved out yesterday.
2) I'm "not the same girl he married."
3) There's more to it than that.
4) I feel hurt, humiliated, and betrayed.
5) I'm certain he feels sad, too.

He's not a bad person, I'm just not the same girl he married; I'm so much better than that.

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