Today was my last day at Job circa July 22, 2002 to Right This Second.
Before I continue, I should explain something about my workplace: it’s gay. No, not in that derogatory sense that kinda describes all workplaces, but actually homosexual. To say my company is homosexual makes it sound like my office is attracted to other offices and walks around particular parks looking at the crotches of other companies in the hopes of a late-night rendezvous. What I mean to say, is that my workplace’s mission statement is specifically about fostering the gay and lesbian community and being about as sex-positive as an organization can get. Of the forty-five people that I worked with, I was one of only three people that was prude enough to consider herself straight.
My job was doing marketing, community outreach, organizing sponsorships, doing events and activities like our Pride float and as a side thing, I also did social aspects for the office (like peoples’ birthdays and the holiday party). I was a busy girl who interacted with a lot of people.
I explain all this now because the rest of these points will probably have deeply confused you if I hadn’t.
So, I present to you – An Ode To My Workplace ...
Things I Will Miss About Work:
- Being in a board meeting and hearing the words “cock”, “cunt”, “dyke”, “faggot” and “ass-pounding” being (positively) used without anyone batting an eye
- My most marvelous ‘big boss’ (my supervisor’s boss) who was simply the best manager I have ever worked with and was the kind of person that you want to emulate one day
- All the great ‘truetone’ cellphone rings everyone had that ranged from “Lucky Star” to “Hollaback Girl” to “Toxic”
- Our incredibly, incredibly drunken and fun parties
- Being there when my coworkers won the right to get married (and then watched them scoff at the idea of them personally settling down. In the words of one of my coworkers, “Get married? Hellll, no! There is just too much fine ass out there just waiting for me to discover it.”)
- 90% of my co-workers. What bright, funny, passionate, wonderful people they are.
- Neffer, a baby chihuahua that belonged to one of my coworkers, who would be brought in every week to completely distract everyone from doing their jobs
- Having meetings with people named Sofonda Cox and The Mistress of Pain
- The fact that I had the bizarre power to announce to the entire staff that in the afternoon, everyone will stop working and come to the kitchen to enjoy a cocktail in celebration of it being “kinda fall-ish” - and it would happen! Really
- Being the “office pet” on account of my breeder ways and nice rack
- Being trusted with so much of their company. They really let me expand and learn and grow and become so much better than I was three years ago
Things I Will Not Miss About Work:
- The never-ending meetings that would often result in never-ending nothing (that's everywhere though, right?)
- The hardcore lesbian porn that wallpapered the women’s washroom
- Dealing with certain obnoxious, arty drama-queens from the community who had no clue and no desire to know how a business transaction was supposed to work
- Having a legitimate reason to Google “skatting” (and to have Google come back with “did you mean skating?” Oh, Google, you are so naïve. Promise me you’ll always stay that way).
- Being constantly asked for change by all the homeless people (and “home less teens”) each and every day who practically lived at my office doorstep
- Trying to pull off events on a not-for-profit budget
- The not-for-profit pay I got
- The clogging of “my” neighbourhood by gaggles of tourists during Pride
- Hearing Cher’s “Believe” at least once a week
- The guy that came to our lobby and acted as if he had a gun and the two bomb threats we received on account of my company being the kind of place it was
- All the bloody rainbows
- That time that we lifted up the couch to move it somewhere else, and an empty bottle of lube and a broken broom handle fell out from the cushions
- Dancing to bad, bad club music in the middle of the day down Yonge Street in a gross costume, next to an embarrassing float (this float is quite the story that I will someday tell) in front of roughly a million people - while stone-cold sober.
And so, I have left for what I hope to be bigger and better things. Oh, don’t cry for me, Gaygentina. We will see each other again.