16 Oct 2005

Heavy Lifting For Heavy Hearts

I’ve got the day to myself today because Patrick is off helping Barry and Ester move (I am a girl and therefore useless in this capacity and therefore staying at home and therefore very pleased today with the stereotypes and assumptions made about those who have vaginas).

B&E are leaving their posh condo to live in the basement of Ester’s mother’s house. I understand that there is economic benefit to that, and that Ester’s mom is a nice lady, but I suspect that this decision boils down to one thing: masochism.

I long suspected that these two were into being punished. You pretty much must be if you’re to put up with Patrick for as long as they have. Anyone who knows Patrick knows that once he gets talking about his favourite subject, boring-ass Ontario and Toronto politics, you pretty much want to shoot yourself in the ears. And yet, they continue to subject themselves to him on a weekly basis. Masochists!

(Aww, Patrick, I kid, I kid! After all, it’s wrong to make fun of you.*)

Moving into Chez Ester’s Momma’s sealed the deal, though. They must have envisioned scenarios of Ester’s mom unexpectedly popping in to offer the Korean-version of Tang and Rice Krispies at the most inopportune moments. Just think of it, Barry. You could be sitting down there, completely unaware, vulnerable and singing along to the theme song from The Princess Bride and just when a single tear rolls down your cheek, you’ll see her from the corner of your eye: Stopped dead in her tracks, a look of disgust paralyzing her face as the bowls of kimchi she brought for you fall to the floor.

Momma Will Be Witness To All Your Private Horribleness And Humiliation, And You Will Have To Face Her Everyday. And despite you and Ester understanding this, you choose to do it. Masochists!

Aw, well. Good luck, kids! Enjoy the move, suckas.

* 1950’s Housewife Tip #2: A man should always be respected. If you disagree with something he does or if one of his habits irritates you, it is your job as his wife to bury your negative thoughts away and assimilate to his way of doing things. Remember – he’s the head of the household – and that includes the thinking part. Belittling a man with criticism or mockery is not only unladylike, but a disgusting display of disrespect. Now, get back in the kitchen and bake him a pie, bitch.


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I have no shame

Need words? I'm a Toronto-based freelance writer who injects great ones into blogs, websites, magazines, ads and more. So many services, one lovely Jen (with one 'n').

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