I Can't Believe I'm Doing This

Meet St. Joseph.

Well, his tiny plastic counterpart, anyway. If you believe in Christian mythology, you probably hated that I referred to it as 'mythology' just now St. Joseph was Jesus's incredibly understanding step-father who married a preggo Mary even though she wasn't carrying his child. He had to be coaxed into it somewhat by an unnamed angel - who I think should be called Maury - who opened a manila envelope and confirmed that God ... (wait for it) ... WAS the father.

Anyhoo - because Joseph provided a home to Jesus and Mary and since he was a carpenter who could make stuff (like condos?), some folks (mostly Catholics and crazy people ... sometimes one in the same) consider him to be a bit of a miracle worker when it comes to buying and selling homes. Like everything concerning religion, it's a bit of a leap.

With our home-selling woes in mind, my mother-in-law and her sister went on a trek - a pilgrimage if you will - to find us a St. Joseph statue. They found one in what sounded like a church gift shop. I know it's been a while since I stepped in one, but churches have gift shops? Are there small McDonalds near the check-out too?

So, behold, my St. Joseph Home Selling Kit, direct from China heaven:

The child labourers angels forgot to paint St. Joseph's beard, so he appears to have a MASSIVE chin. He looks like what I imagine Brian Mulroney would look like if he was a happy stoner going to a toga party. And is it just me or does Jesus look like a baby Princess Leia?

According to the instructions, you're supposed to bury St. Joseph, head-first, into the ground at your property line, facing your home. You do this while reciting a prayer that basically tells Joseph he's going to stay in that uncomfortable position until he helps you sell your home ... which sounds rather terrible and Gitmo-esque. Hardly a nice way to treat someone, let alone a saint carrying your savior ...

But I don't believe in any of this stuff, right?

Down you go, Plastic Magic Man! Sell this home!

As I'm in a condo, I couldn't very well drill a hole in the sidewalk, so my planter had to do.

I believe that one of two things will happen: we'll sell this condo soon or my potted Kalanchoe will die from St. Joseph's wrath / the fact that I probably tore up some roots shoving him in there. Want to take a guess which will happen first? A third option of me getting what's coming to me due to my giddy blasphemy is also a valid answer.