22 Jun 2011

I Can't Believe I'm Doing This

Meet St. Joseph.

Well, his tiny plastic counterpart, anyway. If you believe in Christian mythology, you probably hated that I referred to it as 'mythology' just now St. Joseph was Jesus's incredibly understanding step-father who married a preggo Mary even though she wasn't carrying his child. He had to be coaxed into it somewhat by an unnamed angel - who I think should be called Maury - who opened a manila envelope and confirmed that God ... (wait for it) ... WAS the father.

Anyhoo - because Joseph provided a home to Jesus and Mary and since he was a carpenter who could make stuff (like condos?), some folks (mostly Catholics and crazy people ... sometimes one in the same) consider him to be a bit of a miracle worker when it comes to buying and selling homes. Like everything concerning religion, it's a bit of a leap.

With our home-selling woes in mind, my mother-in-law and her sister went on a trek - a pilgrimage if you will - to find us a St. Joseph statue. They found one in what sounded like a church gift shop. I know it's been a while since I stepped in one, but churches have gift shops? Are there small McDonalds near the check-out too?

So, behold, my St. Joseph Home Selling Kit, direct from China heaven:

The child labourers angels forgot to paint St. Joseph's beard, so he appears to have a MASSIVE chin. He looks like what I imagine Brian Mulroney would look like if he was a happy stoner going to a toga party. And is it just me or does Jesus look like a baby Princess Leia?

According to the instructions, you're supposed to bury St. Joseph, head-first, into the ground at your property line, facing your home. You do this while reciting a prayer that basically tells Joseph he's going to stay in that uncomfortable position until he helps you sell your home ... which sounds rather terrible and Gitmo-esque. Hardly a nice way to treat someone, let alone a saint carrying your savior ...

But I don't believe in any of this stuff, right?

Down you go, Plastic Magic Man! Sell this home!

As I'm in a condo, I couldn't very well drill a hole in the sidewalk, so my planter had to do.

I believe that one of two things will happen: we'll sell this condo soon or my potted Kalanchoe will die from St. Joseph's wrath / the fact that I probably tore up some roots shoving him in there. Want to take a guess which will happen first? A third option of me getting what's coming to me due to my giddy blasphemy is also a valid answer.


A 1:54 pm, June 22, 2011  

Even more hilarious: One of your prospective buyers finds him buried head-first in there.

May - So Very Domestic 2:32 pm, June 22, 2011  

I was just about to type that. How funny if someone noticed it?! It is so sad that there is a St Joseph Selling Kit. Woah nelly. He totally does look like Brian Mulroney!

Jen 4:12 pm, June 22, 2011  

To clarify, I buried him all the way and covered him up! That picture is an "action shot" of him making his descent. If someone somehow "knows" St. Joe is in that pot, they have magic skills of their own.

Kelley 6:16 pm, June 22, 2011  

Your shot of St. Joseph head-down in the dirt, with his little plastic base sticking up, made me laugh out loud.

Father of the Monkey,  3:40 am, June 23, 2011  

You sir, are a wingnut. Glad you have Mern and Tuni and St Joe on your side. Good luck!

Dazed 2:39 am, June 25, 2011  

It's good to know your Christian mythology sometimes. At the archives where I work, there is a binder labeled "St. Antony's File". As there is not nor has there ever been a "St. Anthony" church in our collecting area, it was apparently a mystery for quite some time.

Turns out, St. Anthony is the patron saint of lost things. Not a good file for an archives to have but the cryptic name probably isn't helping things, either.

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Need words? I'm a Toronto-based freelance writer who injects great ones into blogs, websites, magazines, ads and more. So many services, one lovely Jen (with one 'n').

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