29 Jun 2011

Say Hello To My Little Friends

Late last week, I started writing a post titled "I Am Becoming The Honey Badger".

Because honey badger don't care. Honey badger don't give a shit.

I had officially had enough with this home selling business and no longer felt like being real estate's bitch. I realize that in most markets, having a home for sale for a month is totally no big, but for this market, it felt like it was dragging. People in our building typically sell their homes in two to six days. We were getting steady traffic in our place - between two and five showings a day everyday - but no bites. As someone who works from home, I was starting to find it just a tad obnoxious having to keep the place uber tidy and having to leave all the time to let people view our home privately. You know, so they could enjoy a quiet moment to pee on our floors. Ah, YAH, IT HAPPENED. There is nothing like opening your doors to strangers to make one think less about the human race as a whole.

As you may recall, I was feeling so fed up that I even turned to stupid no-good cupcakes and Catholic superstitions that involved burying a plastic religious icon head-first in a pot of flowers. In other words, my mind was unraveling.

And then on Friday I finally turned to something I liked: my 1950s magazines and books. We always had fun with our 50s Housewife Experiments and our home felt so devoid of fun recently ... so I decided to honey badger it up and do some old school cooking and baking in my cute little dresses between showings. I didn't care if these concoctions ruined the depersonalized aesthetic of our home, because I just didn't give a fuck anymore. Not one crazy honey badger fuck.

My Betty Crocker Picture Cook Book says:

Well, gee, that's all that was missing from people thinking of my condo as a home? Done! So I spotted a recipe for the ultra girly Pink Azalea cake:

... and added my own sweet touches to it. I'm not normally a "pink" kind of person, but this cake is simply adorable, especially once I housed it in a little glass cake dome:

Still on a wholesome kick, I made some strawberry pie:

I then came across an ad featuring the pre-Bob Barker host of Price is Right, Bill Cullen, shilling for a tea company. Just me, or does he sort of remind you of Matt Damon, if Matt Damon was completely drained of all sex appeal?:

And so, I made some home-brewed iced tea with lemon slices, baked some chicken breasts, prepped some corn on the cob and made some potato salad.

I was feeling really happy - finally able to get in the kitchen and DO stuff rather than delicately walk around my home afraid to disturb things. So, naturally, I took it too far: I decided to make The Crazy 50s Shit That Makes Me Laugh.

Remember that green soup with dicks in it? Remember the great names you came up for it? Well, I found the official recipe for it in my Woman's Day July 1959 magazine:

Wanna know what it looks like in person?

No. Definitely not.

Too bad!

Not nearly as green. More, brown, really. Dick a la Sewage. Ah well, in the fridge you go! Just be grateful, soon-to-judge-my-home visitors, that I didn't just leave it on the stove top. Because I was tempted. Seriously, seriously tempted.

And the pièce de résistance in my cooking and baking spree? Want to take a guess?

If you'll recall, the first "fancy" gelatin mold I tried to make did not turn out well. At all. It was a sloppy wet mess that exploded its contents all over the place - not unlike a teenager who has drank too many wine coolers in the woods behind her house. Certainly not speaking from personal experience there or anything. With this home situation being so out of our control, I decided that I was going to try to tackle something that had challenged me before, and I was going to succeed, dammit! I went for something layered and colourful with silly things inside.I was going balls out with this jello mold and if it splatted on the floor 30 minutes before our next showing, so be it.

Oh, what a thing of repulsive, fantastic, proud beauty:
That's lemon jello with lemons, orange jello with carrots and lime jello with celery. Sounds disgusting, but by golly, did it ever hold together well! I was one drink away from extending my arms and screaming out the window, "I'm the James Cameron king of the world, motherfuckers!"

I gave the gelatin mold the "glory spot" in our fridge - right underneath the bulb. There would be no escaping it, should anyone viewing our home open the fridge. It was my crowing jewel in my collection of Food I Made Once I Stopped Caring About These Weirdos Coming Into My Home:

We then had people come in for a showing early that evening.

And on Saturday?

They gave us an offer.

Today the condition on that offer was removed, so it's official. We've sold our damn condo!

Maybe it was dear St. Joe (who is indeed also killing the flowers as I predicted). But maybe, just maybe, it was the jello mold. Both shall have places of honour in my new home.


Karen 3:39 pm, June 29, 2011  

Ahhh!!! Congratulations! Thank St. Jell-o and St. Joseph! Now you get to do the FUN part of enjoying plans for your NEW home!

The Gentle Mom 5:34 pm, June 29, 2011  

Congratulations! I'm about to put my house up for sale in a terrible, terrible market (other places in my development have been "For Sale" for close to two years). I think I may invest in a St. Joe. And some Jello. Possibly even some dick soup. Whatever it takes, right?

father of the monkey,  7:40 pm, June 29, 2011  

I do hope you got some pictures of Patrick eating that jello monstrosity!

Anonymous,  9:29 am, June 30, 2011  

That J-E-L-L-O mold reminds me of the spaghetti monster for some reason. Hmmm...

Congrats on selling your home!

Repugnant Parachute,  10:15 am, June 30, 2011  

Enjoy your new place!

hippychic 11:46 am, June 30, 2011  

Congratulations!!!! Who'd ever have thought strange Jello and Dick Sewage were the key? Stick to what you know and brings you joy is the lesson here.

Hello Jodi 10:37 am, July 01, 2011  

Mazel tov!!! I know it was the Jello - I think it looks kinda good, but it's the Ohioan in me.

Kelley 12:49 pm, July 10, 2011  

Congratulations!!! I'm glad that the Jell-O gods accepted your offering and smiled upon your endeavors.

Megs 6:53 pm, August 08, 2011  

I know this is a bit delayed, but congrats on the sale! Also, I can't tell you how glad I was to discover that those little green crescents in the jello were celery...and not shrimp.

Anonymous,  9:40 pm, September 24, 2016  

This the Funniest, most Readable blog I have Ever read!
thank you, had such a laugh, and I feel better about my hoard of old patterns, recipes etc I keep, thinking, One day, One day, I will get up the courage to try and Make this!

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Julie L. Thompson 10:49 am, June 10, 2021  

You've encourage me to make a explode-a-dick jello molded delight. You are truly an inspiration! Thank you!

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Need words? I'm a Toronto-based freelance writer who injects great ones into blogs, websites, magazines, ads and more. So many services, one lovely Jen (with one 'n').

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